Yesterday was my due date…

“When you survive loss… everyone is quick to tell you how strong you are, and how tough you must be. But actually, no one has a choice to survive grief do they… it’s not optional. You just have to cry in the shower, sob in your pillow, and pray you will make it” – Zoe Clark-Coates

“Everything happens for a reason”… In the 6 plus months that I gained an angel, I’ve navigated a life waiting for the reason to come along. What I have learned is that all too often people do not speak of it. All too often people navigate through life feeling lost and alone. I swore when it happened, that one day I would speak about it. I initially started this blog so no-one would feel alone. So people out there struggling would know there is someone out there going through something, even if it is not exactly what you are going through. So today I write (although not my usual topic chain) to let you know, you are not alone.

On June 1, 2017 we gained an angel. I was 10 weeks and had finally settled into the shock I would be a mother of two. I had always longed to be a mother and although I did not believe my life was ready for another just yet, I was in love. Unfortunately, life had another plan. How it all happened was heartbreaking but I could not have asked for better people to have cared for me. The ER doctor that held my hand, the nurses, my OB that hugged me and knew just what to say, the Surgical staff, and my family… all were superb and made an agonizing situation slightly bearable. Even in the fog, I knew I had been blessed.

Yet no-one warns you. No-one warns you of the little things that strip your already bared soul of the remaining life in it. No-one tells you how you will have to repeat the words to every check in person, nurse, and Dr that comes in to see you. No-one warns you how sitting in the waiting room for an appointment for confirmation, watching the beauty of pregnancy will eat at your soul in ways you could never explain. No-one warns you that the colors around you will dissipate and cease to exist for a point in time. No-one warns you that EVERYONE will have an opinion and a timeline for you to get on with life. No-one warns you of the feeling of failure, anger, and despair you feel . How angry with the world around you, you become. How little things that should not bother you become far bigger then they should be. No-one preps you for the day your due date arrives and the emptiness you feel. No-one tells you how the feeling that you forgot something will never leave you. Finally, no-one tells you how to find closure.

We never held our baby… We never got to say goodbye. It was different this time. Maybe it was for the best because no parent should have to say goodbye. So here I am… the day after my due date still trying to navigate life. My son has slowly helped me find color. The days have become more bearable and I have laughed again, but I carry you with me. I carry you in a unique place that I prepared, for the child that never came.

XOXO,

Undefeated Me

If you are out there struggling, please know you are not alone. As hard as it is when you are ready reach out, talk about it. You are NOT alone.

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Loss

I need to start by saying sorry. Sorry to my readers, supporters, and friends that I have been away for so long. Life… that is all I can say. I hope you are all well and kicking ass, and taking names!!!
Today on a day that sadness as found me, I have thought of loss. When one losses someone, it is customary to attempt to up lift them and tell them things that may support those actions. Often times it is something along the lines of “it will get easier”, “Time heals” or even Something like, “it’s going to be okay”. Well the more and more I have thought about it over the years, the more and more I realize how untrue this is. Although yes, you do not cry daily or even every moment. No you do not sulk at every turn, but that does not mean it gets easier with time or even that you are healed as if miraculously back to who you were before the loss. 
I do not want to take away from the people attempting to provide comfort, because they are coming from a good place. I just found it enlightening and liberating to truly think this through. Let’s be honest here, there is some level of pressure to heal and get back on the horse after loss. To get back to your daily life and all that goes with it. No matter the level off loss. It could be the loss of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, the loss of self or someone you thought you were. No matter the loss there is a pressure to heal and everyone around you looks to you to heal according to their perception. I thought to myself, how can you be the same after a loss? How can you be expected to be the same, feel the same, act the same after? You can’t, at least you shouldn’t. So on today’s journey I found this… and I will leave it right here.


Those of you dealing with loss… you’ve got this and it is okay to grieve. 
Xoxo,

Still Undefeated Me 

Guest Writer

Hello Everyone! 

I hope that this post finds all of you having a fantastic and loving holiday season. I have been thinking what I can do new and I would love to offer one of you the opportunity to share your story or to write a post. 

If you’re interested in being a guest writer, please email me a small snippet of your story or why you would like to share to: undefeateddiva@gmail.com. 

The guest writer will be selected this Sunday night! 

I can’t wait to hear your stories!!! Please don’t be shy to share. You can stay anonymous if you choose. 

With so much love, 

Me

When I First Felt You…

“Being Happy doesn’t always make us grateful, but being grateful will always make us happy”

It was the day before Thanksgiving 2 years ago, when I first felt you. It was a day of first’s and a day that will be with me until my last breath. I am grateful everyday, but today I most grateful for that day. The day I felt you.

The day before Thanksgiving two years ago, was the day I felt my son kick for the first time. I was sitting at the counter watching my mom cook when suddenly I felt my stomach drop. It was a feeling that wouldn’t go away, so I finally told my mom I was going to go lay down and relax. She asked me what was wrong so I attempted to explain it to her and she laughed, turning to me and said “It’s the baby kicking you!”. I stood there shocked, because it was a moment I had dreamt of for what felt like an eternity. She swiftly came over and put her hands on my belly and all I could do was cry. I can recount everything in that moment. It was just after 3pm, the breeze was blowing through our house (Florida Living in the Winter), the light was coming in the front door at just the right angle that the sunbeams hit the counter and floor just right. Everything in that moment was okay. See, because after nearly 10 years of being told I could not conceive naturally, my son Enzo was my miracle. I never thought I would feel what I felt that very day. It is a feeling I now know would make me laugh and keep me up late but that I would cherish. All day today I have been thinking about that beautiful afternoon two years ago.

My words do not live up to the moment but I wanted to share. I wanted to share the moment I am grateful for today, my happy place. Again, I am grateful every day. I pray to my higher power, always giving thanks but some day’s you just are grateful far beyond reason or explanation. Today is one of those days.

I hope I was able to bring a smile to your day.

 

XOXO,

Me!

Hospital Sunset

Good Evening everyone,

I have the most amazing support team, but I want to thank you all for being there for me as well. You’re wonderful and I appreciate you reading and showing me such support and love via emails and comments. So I wanted to share some beauty with all of you. 

Here’s to another beautiful sunset! Although shadowed by the hospital, it is beautiful. 

Happy Friday night my peeps. Tonight I shall Netflix and chill :). Oh and need I not forget nebulize/infuse. 

Xo,

Me

Please send coffee…

We all have our things, small things we can’t live without. When I am in the hospital, I need to be able to wash my hair (shhh random I know), I need snacks to balance the sugar drops in the middle of the night from steroids, I need my 10ft charger, but above all I need a good damn cup of coffee!!!! Truly any day I need good coffee, but more so when I am in the hospital or going through treatments. 

Unfortunately, there is no good coffee place here in the hospital. So I’m feeling like my friend below! Please send coffee! 


🙂 maybe the universe will deliver… or maybe I need to just go AWOL for a moment! Either way, the need is real. Good morning and hope you have a great start to your day! 

Xoxo,

Me

Hospital…

You know you weren’t feeling well when you’re happy to be in the hospital… okay maybe not happy to be in the hospital, but happy to be receiving treatment. 

After struggling for 8 long days with breathing problems, I drove myself to the ER. Having put myself on the regimen of steroids and Nebulizer treatements and only progressively getting worse, I  agreed to being admitted. Currently sitting in the dark looking out my windows thanking my higher power for the opportunity to receive treatment. 

I can’t tell you guys how many times I’ve dreaded the hospital stays. Dreaded the inevitable and incessant poking, coming in, and vitals. Today I was just grateful that I have the ability to seek the medicines that will inevitably bring me back to center. Yes said medicines will cost me sleep and some anxiety… etc but they will help me breathe! Something truly vital, huh? 🙂 

So today, I am grateful for the opportunity to seek medical treatment. Never thought I’d be so happy! 

Those out there struggling… stay strong! 

Xoxo,

Undefeated Me

2:26 AM

Another night spent awake. If I was honest with myself, I would say it’s been going on for weeks. Waking up in the middle of the night/wee hours of the morning. I sleep maybe an hour or two straight and then wake. It has become utterly frustrating . I’d like to pinpoint why this round insomnia is happening, but I seem to be coming up short. Some nights it’s pain related, other nights my thoughts get the best of me. Then there are those nights where there is nothing… no thoughts, no excessive pain… nothing at all. I just lye here, awake. 

Most wouldn’t understand. I’ve tried everything from bedtime routines and baths before bed to medicines and teas. My Sour Sop works the best, but it’s still not full proof. 

So I am here, hoping my fellow insomniacs are  doing well! 

Xoxo,

Me

Puerto Rican Olympic Power

Like so many people around the world, I have been glued to the Olympics as much as I can. I am a very proud Puerto Rican woman by nature, but I am elated to share…

The first Gold Medal EVER for Puerto Rico 🇵🇷 was achieved by Monica Puig a 22 year old, Puerto Rican Woman!!! 

http://www.justjared.com/2016/08/13/monica-puig-wins-puerto-ricos-first-gold-medal-at-the-rio-olympics-2016/
Screaming from the rafters! 

Xoxo,

Me!