Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
Anyone who TRULY knows me, knows I self inventory… AT LEAST once daily. I’ve always done it, but when I became a Director I felt the need to make it a top priority to do it daily if not multiple times a day. I do this for many reasons, but mainly to keep myself grounded. It’s easy in a world filled with “get it now” mentalities and “hurry the hell up” attitudes to get caught up in oneself.
To say that my inventory findings are all rainbows and unicorns, would make even my acquaintances laugh. It would also mean that I am in need of some serious medical intervention. Nevertheless, I see the dirt and the imperfections. This weekend has been filled with thanks, self inventory, and self forgiveness. I wrapped the therapy of a lifetime into one weekend, put a new hair color on it, and called it success.
Although I felt that I came out on top of some things I held in since I was a child, I am human and had my moments of sadness and despair. These moments were fleeting, as many of my debbie downer moments are. One of the moments though, fit my muse marker. I swore when I started blogging that I would be as honest, open, and as RAW as possible. So here goes nothing.
My muse moment fed into my greatest fear: I fear I will die alone, without a family of my own by my side to leave a legacy to carry on.
Now some may never understand the need for family. I have also have come to grips that some will NEVER understand the gravity of knowing what facing death young feels like (I don’t wish the knowledge on anyone). Regardless, my fears are my own. As I sat reading several blogs, articles, and researching some options it hit me. “FUCK… I have Lupus”. Being the fighter I am, I rarely stop to really think it through. I just keep kicking it’s ass daily, and move on. Today is just one of those days, I have been in bed most of the afternoon with no plan of getting out. I feel like I have taken Benadryl and my mind is foggy… So vegetate is the name of the game, and folding cloths is my homie.
So my moment of “Fuck… I have Lupus” was in fact not inwardly directed. The thoughts that followed the statement were flashes of thoughts of the people I love and how this effects them. Like I said earlier, I self inventory regularly not because I want to but because it keeps me grounded. This is the type of moment of grounding I am talking about. It’s easy to get caught up in the pain, anguish, fogginess, and all around world wind that a chronic illness entails.
I took a moment to consider the pain that it causes them or the helplessness that ensues when they are unable to do anything about it. I considered the ramifications of loving me, the constant hospital visits, the constant plan cancellations, and the never ending scheduling conflicts because my full time job of doctors appointments gets in the way. I sulked and held my breath for a moment. My body even betrayed me and allowed my eyes to well up with tears… THEN “”BO-YA” my future self came back in time and slapped me.
So… Yes I have Lupus, it sucks…. I cancel plans on them, I can be moody, I sometimes have to ask them to repeat themselves because of the “fog” brain, I drop the AC wherever I am because I am always hot from the meds, I may more times than not have a “Snickers commercial” moment when I haven’t eaten, I may exercise and then stop, I may complain sometimes (rare… but it happens), and I may be stubborn beyond belief… BUT THIS IS ME!
People see me from the outside and think, she is 28 and looks fine. My own family does it!!!! I often realize they forget that Lupus is an around the clock deal. Unfortunately at times it wears on even the strong at heart and my family begrudges me if I don’t rush to clean. This is part of the deal. I always make up for the cancellations and the early to bed missed texts. I make up for the moodiness and the fog brain. In the end this is ME… Foggy brained, overachiever, stubborn as a mule, FIGHTER, ME… Perfectly, imperfect.