Fight for your life…

Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting.
Napoleon Hill

Breath I say…
Breath damn it!

Heart is racing, sweat streaming, pain shattering through the chest, and all the while your staring life in it’s eyes.

Breath I say…
Breath damn it!

Crowded room, phones ringing, gasping for what little air you can, and all the while knowing that you are trying.

Breath I say…
Breath damn it!

Knowing your being watched, having no control over what is going on, seeking a quiet place in your head to process, all the while you know your fighting for your life!

Have you ever had a moment that you KNEW you were in the fight of your life? In that very moment things could change forever? I have had these moments by the handful, but they never cease to rattle me to the core. As I get older and the harsh realization that this is my life truly sets in, these moments shake me to the inner fibers of my being.

Hospitalization 3 Million was no different. After a bout of Bronchitis/Pneumonia I ended up laid up in a hospital bed for four days. On day two I was yet again in the fight for my life. It started with a simple cough, which spiraled in to a code calling kind of day. We are not talking a computer code here ladies and gents, we are talking a code blue/ respiratory distress call. In any hospital nationwide they have a code system, Code Blue is the universal call for Respiratory arrest/distress. This is not the first Code Blue I have been the victim of, but this is in fact the first one of my truly adult life and the first since my diagnosis. This is also the first episode that my significant other and a friend witnessed first hand.

Coughing… sitting up… coughing… standing… coughing… And then the harsh realization “oh shit something is very wrong”. I pride myself in knowing my body like no other. I can tell you like clock work how it will work 95% of the time. Lupus has made me, my very own Dr. House. With that said, the harsh realization that things were going to take a southern turn hit me and I gave him the look that my family say’s that I give when, they KNOW I need help. I only give this look when I realize the atomic bomb is about to go off in my system and I won’t be able to do it on my own. He went searching for the nurse, and by the time he came back (no nurse in tow) I was in full-blown distress. By the time the nurse strolled into the room, there was no turning back.

Breath I say…
Breath damn it!
Tears and sweat streaming down my face… Gasping for air as if the harshest tide had taken hold of me.

This was my mantra at this point… I am sassy by nature, but in moments like this I allow the anger and fire to ignite the survivor in me with fierce vengeance. I allow it to push me beyond my normal limits and fight in a way most would have to see to believe. On this day, two people saw this very fight. Just as I was going South a friend decided to pop in and say hello. He quickly realized that something was wrong and cleared the room, but was close enough to see the happenings. He in fact told me later “I watched you fight for your life”. (Hence the title). Two nurses, a respiratory therapist that had seen me intubated and knew this could go either way, and a Critical care Pulmonologist sat and tried to get me back to normal. I fought and dare I say I was FUCKING ANGRY… At a young 28 years old and a productive member of society, I take care of myself and everyone around me… WHY WAS I IN THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE?!?! Why, because I have Lupus and I ended up sick with Bronchitis/ Pneumonia!

Breath I say…
Breath damn it!
Gasping…. Gripping the bed… Trying not to pass out from lack of oxygen…

BREATH LUNGS… BREATH!
I fucking hate you body…. BUT BREATH… For the love of all that is holy in this world… I command you to BREATH…

One… Single… Fucking… Breath…

One full breath! BREATH BODY BREATH!

Just when I thought I had no more umph… I thought of my family, I thought about how far I have come, I thought of my future… This is where the fight really took a turn. I thought of all of the things I had yet to accomplish. I didn’t worry that I was going to gain 30 pounds from the amount of steroids, I didn’t worry that my iPhone5 was in the room, I didn’t worry that I was in sweats and a tank top and look like roadkill… I thought WHAT HAVEN’T I DONE! I am not ready for this to take me, even if it takes me for a day or two (being intubated was not an option for me!). I refused to let it take another day from me. So I got angrier… I found the little place in my head, my new happy place. A place I have found myself going to in my darkest hours. This place houses beautiful sand and small faces of my future. Then the medicine came, and the voices of the room flooded my thoughts, and I was back! 45 minutes I fought and gasped for air… The code was called off and I was coming back slowly. More steroids pumped through my veins, oxygen mask on, sweat streaming down my face, heart rate in the 150’s/160’s… BUT I was back. The people around me knew I was back when in response to a comment by the dr I said “come closer so I can kick you in the chest and see if you can breath”… Gasping and all, I was a firecracker and if I was going out, WELL I was going out with a BANG!

SO what did I learn… because I learn something every time I go through an episode like this. The episode can be exactly the same but I still learn something different every time. I renewed the fact that I am a fucking fighter… I renewed the fact that I can do this… BUT most of all I learned that I still have so much more to live till I am ready to go out in a blaze of glory… When I go out, it most definitely not be in a hospital bed with a dr telling me to “relax” while I am essentially drowning! 🙂

Moral of this story… learn from your moments… And if there is an ounce of life left in you… FIGHT!

Because when you can sit on your couch and look back at the situation, you can say.. I fought for my life and WON!

XOXO,

Undefeated Diva.

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