*** Disclosure: One Angry Spoonie***
“The phoenix must burn to emerge.” – Janet Fitch
On day’s like today, I allow my anger to consume me. If I hear one more time ” your letting lupus get the best of you” or ” it’s not worth being mad” one more time I believe the repercussions would be catastrophic. So instead I will hibernate, for the benefit of those that I love.
Unless you walk a day in the shoes of a person with Chronic Illness you don’t know what it’s like to see “failure” on a consistent basis, or to have something control your life. I love the positive people out there, or the people the preach they have “recovered” from their chronic illness. To be honest, I am happy for them but if reality/honesty was served like a cup of coffee they would take a moment to say… “I am in remission for (insert length) but there is no guarantee. I can get the FLU tomorrow and my chronic illness can light up all over again!” Now that right there ladies and gentlemen is the damn truth! The only problem I find with the people that ooze only positivity is that they aren’t being REAL. Here it is, LIFE HAPPENS and your ENTITLED to get angry about it!! It doesn’t mean to live in the anger but you are entitled. Its a natural emotion that stems from other feelings of frustration, helplessness, and sadness.
When I share my frustrations I normally get someone that wants to share their positive light, of which I can appreciate. Let me make something clear though, when I am angry… I am entitled. This does not mean I am negative, this does not mean I am depressed, this does not mean I am hardheaded. What this means is, I am human!
Today, I had to make a choice. I had to prioritize in a difficult way, I had to ask myself which part of my future is more important. I had to make a choice that was both most responsible and wouldn’t waste so many spoons that I couldn’t salvage my body from the havoc. So I made it. I made a decision to take care of me, but at the cost of adding a semester to my college career. This was not a failure to the college but more of a failure to myself. To me, this is the ultimate failure. The type of failure that makes someone lose a piece of their soul. I was so angry I started to cry. Cry not because I was injured but because my chronic illness strikes again. For 3 straight weeks this semester I lived in a brain fog. I suffered from on going migraines, body pains that debilitated me, brain fog, shakes, spiked fevers of 103 or higher. I am still in the middle of a flare up but not of that magnitude. Unfortunately, the damage was done. Yet again pushed to make decisions that I would not have had to make without this damn wretched illness crapola!
Nevertheless, I am alive… Breathing (although wheezing) … and can at least muster enough energy to get PIST OFF! So I have something working for me!
Till next time my peeps!
Fiery Undefeated Diva