I did it because it was something that felt right but there was a turning point, where it made me feel bad not just about the situation but about myself. Where was that turning point? I am still unsure, if I was honest with myself it has been some time. When you think about a “habit”, most would think of something like smoking. Well me, I am breaking an emotional habit. This new journey I am on has taught me a new level of what it means to fight. There is the daily fight of my chronic illnesses, but those I did not have a choice in. This new journey I have made the choice to break. It’s a choice that puts me at odds with my heart.

Why would I purposefully hurt myself? Right about the time I realized I depended on it, the communication. I allowed it to dictate my day, my emotions. I realized it had become an unhealthy situation. I blamed outwardly because OF COURSE there was nothing wrong with depending on someone you love. WRONG! There is nothing cute about what I used to feel when I did not hear back, felt ignored, or felt unheard. There was nothing cute about how it affected me. How I… Me… Myself… allowed it to control my world. So I had a choice. I could continue wreaking havoc on my emotional well-being or I could do something about it. It took much longer than I care to admit, but I am on my way. Most would think it’s as simple as not reaching out. If it were only that simple. It’s like a drug and far deeper than just sending a text or making a call. It’s knowing that you have no right putting pressure on others for the things you need. If it is not who they are, who are you to impose things on them. So it was time to remind myself who I was without it. To remind myself what it was to stand on my own. I have never encountered this problem before, so I was chartering a new sea.

As I was driving home the other night, I heard a song I have heard many times before but the words were me.

Breaking the Habit

By Linkin Park

Memories consume like opening the wounds

I’m picking me apart again

You all assume

I’m safe here in my room

Unless I try to start again

I don’t want to be the one the battles always choose

’cause inside I realize that I’m the one confused

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don’t know why I instigate

And say what I don’t mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I know it’s not alright

So I’m breaking the habit

I’m breaking the habit tonight

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more than any time before

I have no options left again

I don’t want to be the one the battles always choose

’cause inside I realize that I’m the one confused

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don’t know why I instigate

And say what I don’t mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I’ll never be alright So I’m breaking the habit

I’m breaking the habit tonight

I’ll paint it on the walls

’cause I’m the one at fault

I’ll never fight again

And this is how it ends

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I’ll never be alright

So I’m breaking the habit

I’m breaking the habit

I’m breaking the habit tonight

 

So to my peeps breaking a habit, I am with you! Stay strong and keep going.

 

XOXO,

Undefeated Me!