“When you survive loss… everyone is quick to tell you how strong you are, and how tough you must be. But actually, no one has a choice to survive grief do they… it’s not optional. You just have to cry in the shower, sob in your pillow, and pray you will make it” – Zoe Clark-Coates
“Everything happens for a reason”… In the 6 plus months that I gained an angel, I’ve navigated a life waiting for the reason to come along. What I have learned is that all too often people do not speak of it. All too often people navigate through life feeling lost and alone. I swore when it happened, that one day I would speak about it. I initially started this blog so no-one would feel alone. So people out there struggling would know there is someone out there going through something, even if it is not exactly what you are going through. So today I write (although not my usual topic chain) to let you know, you are not alone.
On June 1, 2017 we gained an angel. I was 10 weeks and had finally settled into the shock I would be a mother of two. I had always longed to be a mother and although I did not believe my life was ready for another just yet, I was in love. Unfortunately, life had another plan. How it all happened was heartbreaking but I could not have asked for better people to have cared for me. The ER doctor that held my hand, the nurses, my OB that hugged me and knew just what to say, the Surgical staff, and my family… all were superb and made an agonizing situation slightly bearable. Even in the fog, I knew I had been blessed.
Yet no-one warns you. No-one warns you of the little things that strip your already bared soul of the remaining life in it. No-one tells you how you will have to repeat the words to every check in person, nurse, and Dr that comes in to see you. No-one warns you how sitting in the waiting room for an appointment for confirmation, watching the beauty of pregnancy will eat at your soul in ways you could never explain. No-one warns you that the colors around you will dissipate and cease to exist for a point in time. No-one warns you that EVERYONE will have an opinion and a timeline for you to get on with life. No-one warns you of the feeling of failure, anger, and despair you feel . How angry with the world around you, you become. How little things that should not bother you become far bigger then they should be. No-one preps you for the day your due date arrives and the emptiness you feel. No-one tells you how the feeling that you forgot something will never leave you. Finally, no-one tells you how to find closure.
We never held our baby… We never got to say goodbye. It was different this time. Maybe it was for the best because no parent should have to say goodbye. So here I am… the day after my due date still trying to navigate life. My son has slowly helped me find color. The days have become more bearable and I have laughed again, but I carry you with me. I carry you in a unique place that I prepared, for the child that never came.
If you are out there struggling, please know you are not alone. As hard as it is when you are ready reach out, talk about it. You are NOT alone.