Here and Now

Never let the things you want, make you forget the things you have.

 

For a dreamer and a natural born planner the struggle is real. A never ending battle to focus on the here and now. How often do we stake claim on a goal for the foreseeable future and blow full steam ahead, but forget to “stop and smell the roses”? Lately, I have been so fixated on the future that I have not stopped to look at what is right in front of me, and above all be grateful for it. I found myself transfixed yesterday in a moment that was both invigorating and self-actualizing. It was the moment I realized, time waits for no one. This is not a new lesson but one that from time to time I fail to keep in the forefront of my mind. As I stood in a moment with my son, standing in the grass of our front lawn I realized just how much I focus on things for my future that I want to give or do. Although there is nothing wrong with wanting to create what I believe to be a better and brighter future, I do see a problem missing out on moments in the here and now.

So with that I took off twirling and throwing my little man. Running around on the lawn and eventually throwing us both in the grass, worn out and gasping for breath (who would think I am only 30). In one simple moment, that smiling face brought me back to the here and now. The here and now to be grateful for that small moment. The moment’s we as people with chronic illness only dream about when we are in a hospital bed or bedridden from our diseases. In that moment, my son reminded me to live. Not in any way shape or form am I saying that I am fixed from this thought process, but that moment, a moment shared between mother and son transcends through every aspect of my life. Stay focused Christina… Take a moment and taste your coffee, smile at the passing company, and above all remember that life is here and now, be grateful. Tomorrow is uncertain for all but especially those of us fighting battles. Hell, today is uncertain. What I know is as I went to sleep staring at my son’s face, I thanked him for the lesson. He will never know the true depth of what he teaches me regularly.

 

Happy Monday Morning!

 

XOXO,

Undefeated Grateful Me

 

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RX Timer Caps

To my fellow Spoonies and anyone else who takes medication , check this out! 

I was searching some pictures and came across this one. I didn’t believe it so I did some research. They are real. They can be bought at http://rxtimercap.com/ . They aren’t cheap, but can save a life. Many of us are currently or have taken medications that if taken the wrong way could cause some serious damage! 

Check it out! 

  
Very cool!

Me

Welcome to the world… My legacy! 

The fear ever real as the cold and lifeless room gave way to the pressure in my spine. As lifeless legs hang from the side of the table they roll me on my back. As the crew scurries around me never leaving me alone in the room but leaving me alone on a cold table with my thoughts. Will you be okay? How is it going to happen? How will I feel when I see your face? Are we taking you too soon? Or did we wait too long? Are you healthy? When will they bring mom in? My body begins to tremble, I am assured that this is a normal side effect of the spinal tap. The doctor pops her head in to let me know she is there and the room around me changes. In a blink of an eye the cloth goes up, the room becomes more populated, and the doctors come in.

Wait!!! There are two doctors. Why are there two doctors? My doctor introduces the “assisting” Dr., of which I know is actually a prominent obstetrician in the area. Then I hear mom’s voice and she is next to me keeping me still. Mom looks at me and tells me it will be okay. She sits close and holds my face and for a moment I have a renewed sense of strength. I will see you soon. The doctor lets me know they will begin and with trembling arms and my mother to my right I take pause in the moment. “Take a deep breath, here comes a lot of pressure”, she says. The hands on my face get tighter and the tears from her face pour on to mine. “Mom I am okay… It is going to be okay. He will be here soon.” With my fear ever consuming I resolved to never forget that moment. The moment only mothers knew. There was a silence that came over the room and suddenly a roar of a cry. Your cry! In that moment I knew you had arrived and you were safe.

My legacy was born!
My own mother next to me holding my face close as her daughter became a mother for the first time and she became what all amazing mothers can only hope for, she became grandmother (in our case an Abuela!). To my right I saw a glimpse of the beautiful face I had waited, hoped, and prayed for. Leaving my side my mother did what so many grandmothers do not get the chance to do. She cut the cord and held her grandson for the first time. Bringing him over to me for the first time, all three of us cried. I had my first very real moment as a mother. As my son cried, I spoke to him. I could not sit up and hold him. I could not hold him in my arms. I could not walk around with him at that moment. Nevertheless in that moment I spoke to him and offered him comfort. I said words to him that only he, my mother, and I will ever know. A moment shared by the three of us that no one can ever take. In that moment he touched my face and calmed and I vowed that I would be his fiercest protector, his safety net, his first love, and above all the best mother I can be.  
On May 7, 2015 at 5:51PM Enzo Elijah graced the world with his presence.

It has taken me 2 months to introduce him to all of you, because I could not find the right words to express it all. Instead I resolved that I would never find just the right words to introduce him. So here he is, in all his glory. My world and my legacy!
I waited 10 long years for the honor of being a mother. The wait was worth it all. He hangs the moon and the stars for me. Motherhood is everything I imagined and more. It does not come without its difficulties but when I see that face in the low light of the darkness, I resolve in knowing there is nothing more pure in the world.
Here he is, isn’t he CUTE! 🙂

   
   

Beauty in truth…

There is beauty in truth, even if it’s painful. Those who lie, twist life so that it looks tasty to the lazy, brilliant to the ignorant, and powerful to the weak. But lies ponly strengthen our defects. They don’t teach anything, help anything, fix anything or cure anything. Nor do they develop one’s character, one’s mind, one’s heart or one’s soul.

José N. Harris


This could not be more true, today and everyday. This is a lesson I learn time and time again but as of late I have been drowning in the theory. The opening sentence in this spoke to me in a way that moves the soul, “There is beauty in truth, even if it’s painful.” I could not ask for a more beautiful life but it has come with some painful truths. The new journey I am on has brought with it some of thee happiest and most bittersweet moments in my life to date. To be honest with myself, the last several years has been derived of a series of decisions made both easy and some of the most difficult and gut wrenching. There is nothing more difficult then making a decision that not only effects you but that of your child. Decisions that are not small in magnitude, but life altering and will change the course of his life forever. In the end, I had no choice but to face the truth. To face that it would be painful and ever sobering. My decisions were not for the faint of heart. I stand a little stronger today and in those moments when I feel weakest I look at thee most beautiful little face and find my strength. 

So here is to the truth and to the painful beauty that often follows those truths.

Love, Laughter, and Happiness

XOXO,

Undefeated Diva

Thankful

I never liked the concept of “Thanksgiving”. To me, why do I have to take just one day a year to be thankful. For me I am thankful daily… Honestly hourly, And even momentarily. I never needed a chronic illness to be thankful, but one thing is for sure having Lupus and Fibro has made me all that more thankful.

So take the time to think about what you are thankful for.

I could write a book on what I am thankful for, but take a moment.

Are you thinking?

Besides my family and friends, I am thankful for:

1.Food when I am on steroids
2.The medicines that have kept me alive
3.The healthcare staff that have made my never ending medical visits, livable.
4.My A-Team.. YES this is my friends and family but these are a very small select few!
5.For my growing son, that hasn’t graced this world with his presence BUT he has changed the world for at least one person! All before he took his first breath!
6. For the support of my readers!

Thankful Daily,
Undefeated Diva

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Keep your head up…

Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.

It is not always easy to hold your head up in the middle of a storm For many reasons it’s easier to look down. The only reason I look down is because it is the path of least resistance. When you are in the center of a storm, the last thing you want to do is answer questions. To answer questions or cater to anyone else’s emotions, do they not see you are in need of your own TLC? So to me it has always been easier to keep trucking. Often times people take not holding one’s head up as a sign of an insecurity. I often wonder if these people ever stop to think, maybe we just don’t want to talk to you it has nothing to do with insecurities. I quite frankly am very secure in who I am. Keeping my head low has nothing to do with who I am or how I feel about myself.

SO, on with today’s lesson. I spoke to someone I haven’t seen since I was around 7 years old. He was a good friend of the family and he told me today that whatever I do to keep my head up. You would think I had never hear this before, for heaven sakes I give this advice all of the time. Today, it was a little different. Today it hit me differently. I was hearing this message from someone I had not seen in over 20 years but someone that I considered family regardless of the distance. He told me ” Life is going to throw you things and with each passing decade it will throw you more difficulties, but it is up to you to hold your head up through the storm”. It may not sound as profound as it was but it was one of those moments where I took stock of everything around me for fear of forgetting that moment. Maybe it was profound because it was advice not given to me by just anyone. Maybe it was profound because it wasn’t someone just shooting from the hip and giving me advice that didn’t know me from a hole in the wall. Either way it was profound.

In that moment I took stock. I realized I have been in serious self preservation mode for nearly 6 months and probably longer. My current woes are no more serious or important than the next person. Self preservation is not bad, but when you allow self preservation to be all you live well that is no longer healthy. So today I looked up for the first time. I realized I was not looking people in the eye’s any more, today I did. I realized that although I am in the middle of what is one of the toughest years of my life, that I need to look up and hold my head high. Realistically, how else would I see the beauty ahead?

Everyone remember:

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light! 

Albus Dumbledore

XOXO

Undefeated Diva

I’m Fine Curse

A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity.

Dalai Lama

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Hello World!

How many of us know the statement “I’m Fine” all to well? Without hesitation I can say, I do! When you say it, how many of us are ACTUALLY fine? I know that at least 95% of the time when I say the words “I’m Fine” I am surely NOT fine.

Then why do we say it? Many have reasons I will not claim to know but let me explain mine. Having a chronic illness becomes routine to us Spoonies. I say routine in the most comical of ways. The never ending stretch of doctors visits, medications, side effects, pain, surprise events of the most random things your body does. When you have a chronic illness, it becomes apparent very quickly that you have to deal with any misgivings you have in order to help your family and friends to deal. It is a sad truth, but you have to be come Dr. House and a therapist for those around you. You would think that you are the one with the illness but if someone loves you they take everything that you are going through just as personal. Sometimes I can not deal with others emotions because I am just too busy dealing with my own. As selfish as that sounds to someone like myself, it is the truth and it is OKAY!

So some days, when someone that loves me ask’s “How are you doing today?” I say, I’m Fine. I’m not necessarily saying it because I don’t want them to know whats going on, but I am tired. If I told everyone the truth every time they asked me how I was doing, trust me it would get old. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t feel some kind of something going on with my body. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t know that I have an illness. So some day’s I like to say I’m Fine for ME! Hey, I’m FINE my people! I am alive, I am breathing, and I am mobile.

I won’t sit here and manipulate the situation and state that I have never used i’m fine to get someone out of my face. I also will not say that I have never used it as a defense mechanism, because quite frankly I HAVE! Have I mentioned that I am human? All in all though, saying the words i’m fine steam from many different reasons both good and bad. Unless you have a chronic illness you may not understand this. If you love someone with chronic illness this may make you mad, because you want to know the truth. Understand this, chronic illness is no laughing matter. Some days the shear thought of getting out of bed is brutal. Unless you understand that statement to the core, do not judge. Some days we just want to think we are fine, some days we don’t have time to answer 100 questions or take advice that was not asked for, and some days we use it as a defense tool to keep out everyone while we deal with our own misgivings and pain.

Remember just because we look “Fine” on the outside, does not mean we are. We are all in fact still human.

 

Love you my fellow spoonies!

Undefeated Diva