Breaking the Habit

I did it because it was something that felt right but there was a turning point, where it made me feel bad not just about the situation but about myself. Where was that turning point? I am still unsure, if I was honest with myself it has been some time. When you think about a “habit”, most would think of something like smoking. Well me, I am breaking an emotional habit. This new journey I am on has taught me a new level of what it means to fight. There is the daily fight of my chronic illnesses, but those I did not have a choice in. This new journey I have made the choice to break. It’s a choice that puts me at odds with my heart.

Why would I purposefully hurt myself? Right about the time I realized I depended on it, the communication. I allowed it to dictate my day, my emotions. I realized it had become an unhealthy situation. I blamed outwardly because OF COURSE there was nothing wrong with depending on someone you love. WRONG! There is nothing cute about what I used to feel when I did not hear back, felt ignored, or felt unheard. There was nothing cute about how it affected me. How I… Me… Myself… allowed it to control my world. So I had a choice. I could continue wreaking havoc on my emotional well-being or I could do something about it. It took much longer than I care to admit, but I am on my way. Most would think it’s as simple as not reaching out. If it were only that simple. It’s like a drug and far deeper than just sending a text or making a call. It’s knowing that you have no right putting pressure on others for the things you need. If it is not who they are, who are you to impose things on them. So it was time to remind myself who I was without it. To remind myself what it was to stand on my own. I have never encountered this problem before, so I was chartering a new sea.

As I was driving home the other night, I heard a song I have heard many times before but the words were me.

Breaking the Habit

By Linkin Park

Memories consume like opening the wounds

I’m picking me apart again

You all assume

I’m safe here in my room

Unless I try to start again

I don’t want to be the one the battles always choose

’cause inside I realize that I’m the one confused

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don’t know why I instigate

And say what I don’t mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I know it’s not alright

So I’m breaking the habit

I’m breaking the habit tonight

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more than any time before

I have no options left again

I don’t want to be the one the battles always choose

’cause inside I realize that I’m the one confused

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don’t know why I instigate

And say what I don’t mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I’ll never be alright So I’m breaking the habit

I’m breaking the habit tonight

I’ll paint it on the walls

’cause I’m the one at fault

I’ll never fight again

And this is how it ends

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I’ll never be alright

So I’m breaking the habit

I’m breaking the habit

I’m breaking the habit tonight

So to my peeps breaking a habit, I am with you! Stay strong and keep going.

XOXO,

Undefeated Me!

Beauty in truth…

There is beauty in truth, even if it’s painful. Those who lie, twist life so that it looks tasty to the lazy, brilliant to the ignorant, and powerful to the weak. But lies ponly strengthen our defects. They don’t teach anything, help anything, fix anything or cure anything. Nor do they develop one’s character, one’s mind, one’s heart or one’s soul.

José N. Harris

This could not be more true, today and everyday. This is a lesson I learn time and time again but as of late I have been drowning in the theory. The opening sentence in this spoke to me in a way that moves the soul, “There is beauty in truth, even if it’s painful.” I could not ask for a more beautiful life but it has come with some painful truths. The new journey I am on has brought with it some of thee happiest and most bittersweet moments in my life to date. To be honest with myself, the last several years has been derived of a series of decisions made both easy and some of the most difficult and gut wrenching. There is nothing more difficult then making a decision that not only effects you but that of your child. Decisions that are not small in magnitude, but life altering and will change the course of his life forever. In the end, I had no choice but to face the truth. To face that it would be painful and ever sobering. My decisions were not for the faint of heart. I stand a little stronger today and in those moments when I feel weakest I look at thee most beautiful little face and find my strength.

So here is to the truth and to the painful beauty that often follows those truths.

Love, Laughter, and Happiness

XOXO,

Undefeated Diva

Getting to know the new me…

Sometimes it’s the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination.

Drake

I have searched for the eject button on the recent path of my journey, to no avail. In the years since my diagnosis I have done what I always do, plow through, head held high, never looking back. As of late that methodology has not been as comforting. Life’s lemons are still sitting on my porch waiting to be made into it’s potent beverage. I have stared at them not quite understanding what to do with them, as my normal kick ass, straight forward approach has had me coming up drained and in the same place. Stagnant and drained are pretty substantial words to describe my current state of being. I have pondered and scoured for an answer to the “why” and it wasn’t until several days ago that I found the answer.

Let me be clear, my friendship with my chronic illnesses is nothing new. We are several years in and I thought that I had gotten a nice hold on them. What I wasn’t ready to admit to myself or the world around me was that, I no longer knew who I saw in the mirror. She looked familiar, she sounded familiar, but all in all not the same person. Really, it should have come as no surprise to me but it surly was. As I was in my beautiful world of deep cleaning and ridiculously loud music this week, the answer to the why was so very clear.

I no longer knew myself.

For someone that knew who she was and where she was going in life at a ridiculously young age this was a catastrophic blow. It all made sense though. The feeling of being lost and alone even when I was surrounded by the people that loved me most. The feeling of unease and uncertainty when I had the best support system someone could ask for. It all made perfect sense. When all you know is this semblance of a person that handles life with a vigorous fire that can never be snuffed, then you find yourself confused and depleted from life’s lemonade, you can’t help but feel shaken down. Right now, in my life I am getting a shake down. One day I woke up and I was in another body that had unimaginable pains, unclear thoughts from what could only be described as a foggy state, and a back bone that no longer stood straight. Who was this person? How did this happen?

Getting diagnosed wasn’t the hard part, reacquainting myself… well, with myself has been the most excruciating experience. Trying to do this while living life on life’s terms, well now your asking for too much. Having to work, be a wife, a daughter, and fuck it a productive member of society… All the while trying to understand what happened to you… Now that’s a damn epic mission. Nevertheless, I realized it and all of the missing pieces came together. I hadn’t realized that it was going to be a grieving process or even a process period. The vibrant woman was now a slower moving version of who she used to be. A more jaded and fatigued version of who she used to be. The woman that looks back at me in the mirror is tired, depleted, and honestly a little angry… Not the old me that was the fire spitting free spirit with endless energy. Can I place all of the blame on chronic illnesses? Well sure I can but that’s not who I am. I take responsibility for my actions and my part in the situation. I could have done more about my illnesses. I could have done some more soul searching. In the end, I won’t look back at what I could have done, to me thats a waste of perfectly good brain cells that I should preserve for days that the brain fog sets in.

So where do I go from here I asked myself. Well to the beach of course! So I find myself at the beach, searching for answers to questions I thought I already had the answers to. I am searching for answers and way to steer this new way of life for me. To figure out how to still be that firecracker powerhouse that is determined to teach the world all the while possessing a body that does not match the soul.

What I have come to realize in all of this is, this is normal guys. I am no different than anyone going through any struggle. It is real, it is normal, and it is going to be O.K. Now I just need to find sticky notes to help with the brain fog and some great heels!

Until Next Time.

XOXO,

Undefeated Diva!