Loss

I need to start by saying sorry. Sorry to my readers, supporters, and friends that I have been away for so long. Life… that is all I can say. I hope you are all well and kicking ass, and taking names!!!
Today on a day that sadness as found me, I have thought of loss. When one losses someone, it is customary to attempt to up lift them and tell them things that may support those actions. Often times it is something along the lines of “it will get easier”, “Time heals” or even Something like, “it’s going to be okay”. Well the more and more I have thought about it over the years, the more and more I realize how untrue this is. Although yes, you do not cry daily or even every moment. No you do not sulk at every turn, but that does not mean it gets easier with time or even that you are healed as if miraculously back to who you were before the loss.
I do not want to take away from the people attempting to provide comfort, because they are coming from a good place. I just found it enlightening and liberating to truly think this through. Let’s be honest here, there is some level of pressure to heal and get back on the horse after loss. To get back to your daily life and all that goes with it. No matter the level off loss. It could be the loss of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, the loss of self or someone you thought you were. No matter the loss there is a pressure to heal and everyone around you looks to you to heal according to their perception. I thought to myself, how can you be the same after a loss? How can you be expected to be the same, feel the same, act the same after? You can’t, at least you shouldn’t. So on today’s journey I found this… and I will leave it right here.

Those of you dealing with loss… you’ve got this and it is okay to grieve.
Xoxo,

Still Undefeated Me

Loss

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.

Walter Anderson

Loss of any magnitude is arduous. Yesterday was a very sad day. Yesterday a father lost his son, a mother lost her baby boy, and then I heard of the passing of a special woman. Two losses in one day. Two families are experiencing paramount loss this week. So yesterday was a day of remembrance for me. I sat and thought of all the loss, all of the pain, but above it all… I considered all of the beautiful both of these people left this world.

In a time of loss, we feel sadness, unbearable pain, and at times we feel that we cannot move forward. In times of loss we forget to remember the happy. It is only natural to forget to live in the happy, because the experience of loss can be soul shattering. Yesterday I spent the afternoon and evening hugging my sister and laughing at her antics. I spent the time thinking about all I have in front of me and the beauty that grows within. I spent the time remembering my co-worker and promising myself I would dig out the recipes she wrote out for me prior to my moving. Most of all, I sat and thought that there is so much more I need to do with the time I have… SO I need to get on it!

Today with a heavy heart, I look to do one thing I want to do on my list. I look to research some other things I want to do. Today I am going to strive to change some of the things I have been talking about changing. If I remember anything about my beautiful co-worker, it was that she had a flare for life! She was never afraid to stand up for what she believed in. She never was afraid to try something new. She was never afraid to help someone in need. To me, that is what life is about.

So today, get on it my fellow spoonies. Get on living. What are you going to do today? Pick something small off of that list in your mind you want to do. Even if you are stuck in the doctor’s office today or at the hospital. Pick one thing. Don’t forget, always feel free to share!

XOXO,

ME!

Getting to know the new me…

Sometimes it’s the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination.

Drake

I have searched for the eject button on the recent path of my journey, to no avail. In the years since my diagnosis I have done what I always do, plow through, head held high, never looking back. As of late that methodology has not been as comforting. Life’s lemons are still sitting on my porch waiting to be made into it’s potent beverage. I have stared at them not quite understanding what to do with them, as my normal kick ass, straight forward approach has had me coming up drained and in the same place. Stagnant and drained are pretty substantial words to describe my current state of being. I have pondered and scoured for an answer to the “why” and it wasn’t until several days ago that I found the answer.

Let me be clear, my friendship with my chronic illnesses is nothing new. We are several years in and I thought that I had gotten a nice hold on them. What I wasn’t ready to admit to myself or the world around me was that, I no longer knew who I saw in the mirror. She looked familiar, she sounded familiar, but all in all not the same person. Really, it should have come as no surprise to me but it surly was. As I was in my beautiful world of deep cleaning and ridiculously loud music this week, the answer to the why was so very clear.

I no longer knew myself.

For someone that knew who she was and where she was going in life at a ridiculously young age this was a catastrophic blow. It all made sense though. The feeling of being lost and alone even when I was surrounded by the people that loved me most. The feeling of unease and uncertainty when I had the best support system someone could ask for. It all made perfect sense. When all you know is this semblance of a person that handles life with a vigorous fire that can never be snuffed, then you find yourself confused and depleted from life’s lemonade, you can’t help but feel shaken down. Right now, in my life I am getting a shake down. One day I woke up and I was in another body that had unimaginable pains, unclear thoughts from what could only be described as a foggy state, and a back bone that no longer stood straight. Who was this person? How did this happen?

Getting diagnosed wasn’t the hard part, reacquainting myself… well, with myself has been the most excruciating experience. Trying to do this while living life on life’s terms, well now your asking for too much. Having to work, be a wife, a daughter, and fuck it a productive member of society… All the while trying to understand what happened to you… Now that’s a damn epic mission. Nevertheless, I realized it and all of the missing pieces came together. I hadn’t realized that it was going to be a grieving process or even a process period. The vibrant woman was now a slower moving version of who she used to be. A more jaded and fatigued version of who she used to be. The woman that looks back at me in the mirror is tired, depleted, and honestly a little angry… Not the old me that was the fire spitting free spirit with endless energy. Can I place all of the blame on chronic illnesses? Well sure I can but that’s not who I am. I take responsibility for my actions and my part in the situation. I could have done more about my illnesses. I could have done some more soul searching. In the end, I won’t look back at what I could have done, to me thats a waste of perfectly good brain cells that I should preserve for days that the brain fog sets in.

So where do I go from here I asked myself. Well to the beach of course! So I find myself at the beach, searching for answers to questions I thought I already had the answers to. I am searching for answers and way to steer this new way of life for me. To figure out how to still be that firecracker powerhouse that is determined to teach the world all the while possessing a body that does not match the soul.

What I have come to realize in all of this is, this is normal guys. I am no different than anyone going through any struggle. It is real, it is normal, and it is going to be O.K. Now I just need to find sticky notes to help with the brain fog and some great heels!

Until Next Time.

XOXO,

Undefeated Diva!

Another Angel….

Instagram: (see picture above) My fellow #spoonies unite! We gained a beautiful angel today. Prayer for her family! @hannareese17. We just recently started following eachother and in a short time she inspired me! Only 16… Beautiful butterfly, may you soar until we see you again!

I take a moment… To grieve … Only 16… When will they listen? A cure is needed! Are we not loud enough? Do we not stand tall enough? Do you need a face for it! I will be the face. I stand tall! I am loud enough! I will speak for my brothers and sisters that can not. I will stand tall for my brothers and sisters that can not. I am one face of MILLIONS! When will you listen!?

Angry… Sad… ,
Undefeated Diva

The moment of realization…

The good thing about having this illness is that it allows me to be a little bit crazy.
Neil Cavuto

Humor or tears are often the only ways to pull myself out of my “realization” state. Being who I am, I go through life pushing through like a soldier. I never leave a man behind and unless it’s broke I don’t fix it. It’s rare I TRULY complain about something and I never let my illness consume the forefront of my mind. Although I live in the light and positive.. there are those moments of realization.

Monday afterwork I had the moment I refer to above. I was standing in my bathroom ready to inject my medication with a 3CC syringe. Now, I was in the medical field for many years and have injected myself so many times before, that quite frankly it is second nature. Monday night was just different. I looked down at the tip of the needle and say… Fuck! OBVIOUSLY I realize I have Lupus but for that moment… it hit me. The years and life moments leading up to Monday did a little show in my head. (No ladies and gents, life was not flashing before my eyes) I was just taking it all in. How did I get to this point in my life? How amazing is it that I get to take control of my health by this injection? The thoughts about how far I have come, yet how far I still have left to go. With all of these thoughts flooding my mind, a bit of sadness seeped in. If I said that I was always smiles and rainbows, someone better asking me what I am smoking.

After a moment I took a deep breath and imbedded the needle in a nice little roll in my belly! The medicine only stings for a moment and then I am on my way, with a little bruise to remind me of my weekly events. (Bruising is part of the game, my nickname should really be Peach!). Nevertheless I went about my evening like I always do, pushing any lingering emotions to the side and going about my evening. This day though, it took some effort to do what I normally do with ease. I wasn’t able to push aside my emotions so easily.

In that one moment I experienced anxiety, sadness, helplessness, frustration, humility, and ANGER! I felt like I went through the grieving cycle in one foul swoop! The very moment of realization I had took me to a place I rarely go in my head. A very real and vulnerable place that I constitute as negative at times, but it happens. It was a moment that I realized although I kick ass and I am a fighter that this illness is a mean mama JAMA! I realized that this illness has changed my life forever and there was nothing I could do about the changed good or bad… ABOVE all I resolved to realize that I don’t care what it takes… LUPUS will not get me! I will fight like so many before me and for those after me! I will fight for the one’s that feel like they can’t fight any more. I will fight till my very last breath and when my day comes to leave this earth and meet my maker… I will leave this earth knowing I fought Lupus and won! I will know that I died a woman that didn’t let that son of a bitch get me…. Because I will have lived a life of pure happiness regardless of how many injections and hospital visits I have under my belt!!!

XOXO, The sometimes angry but ALWAYS sassy,
Original Undefeated DIVA!