“Being Happy doesn’t always make us grateful, but being grateful will always make us happy”
It was the day before Thanksgiving 2 years ago, when I first felt you. It was a day of first’s and a day that will be with me until my last breath. I am grateful everyday, but today I most grateful for that day. The day I felt you.
The day before Thanksgiving two years ago, was the day I felt my son kick for the first time. I was sitting at the counter watching my mom cook when suddenly I felt my stomach drop. It was a feeling that wouldn’t go away, so I finally told my mom I was going to go lay down and relax. She asked me what was wrong so I attempted to explain it to her and she laughed, turning to me and said “It’s the baby kicking you!”. I stood there shocked, because it was a moment I had dreamt of for what felt like an eternity. She swiftly came over and put her hands on my belly and all I could do was cry. I can recount everything in that moment. It was just after 3pm, the breeze was blowing through our house (Florida Living in the Winter), the light was coming in the front door at just the right angle that the sunbeams hit the counter and floor just right. Everything in that moment was okay. See, because after nearly 10 years of being told I could not conceive naturally, my son Enzo was my miracle. I never thought I would feel what I felt that very day. It is a feeling I now know would make me laugh and keep me up late but that I would cherish. All day today I have been thinking about that beautiful afternoon two years ago.
My words do not live up to the moment but I wanted to share. I wanted to share the moment I am grateful for today, my happy place. Again, I am grateful every day. I pray to my higher power, always giving thanks but some day’s you just are grateful far beyond reason or explanation. Today is one of those days.
Never let the things you want, make you forget the things you have.
For a dreamer and a natural born planner the struggle is real. A never ending battle to focus on the here and now. How often do we stake claim on a goal for the foreseeable future and blow full steam ahead, but forget to “stop and smell the roses”? Lately, I have been so fixated on the future that I have not stopped to look at what is right in front of me, and above all be grateful for it. I found myself transfixed yesterday in a moment that was both invigorating and self-actualizing. It was the moment I realized, time waits for no one. This is not a new lesson but one that from time to time I fail to keep in the forefront of my mind. As I stood in a moment with my son, standing in the grass of our front lawn I realized just how much I focus on things for my future that I want to give or do. Although there is nothing wrong with wanting to create what I believe to be a better and brighter future, I do see a problem missing out on moments in the here and now.
So with that I took off twirling and throwing my little man. Running around on the lawn and eventually throwing us both in the grass, worn out and gasping for breath (who would think I am only 30). In one simple moment, that smiling face brought me back to the here and now. The here and now to be grateful for that small moment. The moment’s we as people with chronic illness only dream about when we are in a hospital bed or bedridden from our diseases. In that moment, my son reminded me to live. Not in any way shape or form am I saying that I am fixed from this thought process, but that moment, a moment shared between mother and son transcends through every aspect of my life. Stay focused Christina… Take a moment and taste your coffee, smile at the passing company, and above all remember that life is here and now, be grateful. Tomorrow is uncertain for all but especially those of us fighting battles. Hell, today is uncertain. What I know is as I went to sleep staring at my son’s face, I thanked him for the lesson. He will never know the true depth of what he teaches me regularly.
So many times people dehumanized us, forgetting that behind the diagnosis and insesant illness there is a person. A person that grieves after every new diagnosis, a person that lives with pain, a person that feels. I’ve spoken to several of you in recent weeks and I was inspired… I decided to do a small expressive piece … Here it is… Unscripted
(Click the link)
The fear ever real as the cold and lifeless room gave way to the pressure in my spine. As lifeless legs hang from the side of the table they roll me on my back. As the crew scurries around me never leaving me alone in the room but leaving me alone on a cold table with my thoughts. Will you be okay? How is it going to happen? How will I feel when I see your face? Are we taking you too soon? Or did we wait too long? Are you healthy? When will they bring mom in? My body begins to tremble, I am assured that this is a normal side effect of the spinal tap. The doctor pops her head in to let me know she is there and the room around me changes. In a blink of an eye the cloth goes up, the room becomes more populated, and the doctors come in.
Wait!!! There are two doctors. Why are there two doctors? My doctor introduces the “assisting” Dr., of which I know is actually a prominent obstetrician in the area. Then I hear mom’s voice and she is next to me keeping me still. Mom looks at me and tells me it will be okay. She sits close and holds my face and for a moment I have a renewed sense of strength. I will see you soon. The doctor lets me know they will begin and with trembling arms and my mother to my right I take pause in the moment. “Take a deep breath, here comes a lot of pressure”, she says. The hands on my face get tighter and the tears from her face pour on to mine. “Mom I am okay… It is going to be okay. He will be here soon.” With my fear ever consuming I resolved to never forget that moment. The moment only mothers knew. There was a silence that came over the room and suddenly a roar of a cry. Your cry! In that moment I knew you had arrived and you were safe.
My legacy was born!
My own mother next to me holding my face close as her daughter became a mother for the first time and she became what all amazing mothers can only hope for, she became grandmother (in our case an Abuela!). To my right I saw a glimpse of the beautiful face I had waited, hoped, and prayed for. Leaving my side my mother did what so many grandmothers do not get the chance to do. She cut the cord and held her grandson for the first time. Bringing him over to me for the first time, all three of us cried. I had my first very real moment as a mother. As my son cried, I spoke to him. I could not sit up and hold him. I could not hold him in my arms. I could not walk around with him at that moment. Nevertheless in that moment I spoke to him and offered him comfort. I said words to him that only he, my mother, and I will ever know. A moment shared by the three of us that no one can ever take. In that moment he touched my face and calmed and I vowed that I would be his fiercest protector, his safety net, his first love, and above all the best mother I can be.
On May 7, 2015 at 5:51PM Enzo Elijah graced the world with his presence.
It has taken me 2 months to introduce him to all of you, because I could not find the right words to express it all. Instead I resolved that I would never find just the right words to introduce him. So here he is, in all his glory. My world and my legacy!
I waited 10 long years for the honor of being a mother. The wait was worth it all. He hangs the moon and the stars for me. Motherhood is everything I imagined and more. It does not come without its difficulties but when I see that face in the low light of the darkness, I resolve in knowing there is nothing more pure in the world.
Here he is, isn’t he CUTE! 🙂
If there is no struggle, there is no progress.
Life albeit comedic in its own masochistic way, is beyond beautiful. If we allow it to be. It’s so easy to fall into a place of sorrow or pity when one is continuously hit with life altering situations. It’s easy to fall into the whole of self doubt and pain. Never truly considering that if you are living to endure another situation then you pulled through the last one!
In the recent year I have had to make some of the hardest decisions I believe I will ever have to make. The ending of what started as a beautiful chapter is never easy. While going through it I never looked ahead because I was too busy sulking in the pain of the change I had created. A change that was forced by the hand I was dealt. I sulked, I cried, I threw the ultimate pity parties… Because the clouds were so gray I refused to see past them to the sunshine. I sit here a year later from my initial decision a new person. A person with a new found resolve. A new lease on life. Had someone told me a year ago that my life would be the way it is today, I would have never believed them! I would have never believed that I would be sitting here with the peace I feel. Because as the quote below says some of the most beautiful things come from changes or mistakes. It is not always easy to see when your going through them. To be honest there are times I didn’t want to see past what I was going through, because I honestly could not deal with much more than what I had on my plate.
No matter how I dealt with my past, I stand today a complete person. A person with a resolve so strong that no one but myself and God could tear down. I am proud to say I’ve made it… And there is no doubt life will throw its curves at me but at least I will have the knowledge of knowing I will survive and out of it there will be something beautiful, even if that something beautiful is something as small as a stronger piece of me.
Page 365 of 365, are you ready to close the book? –ME
You were filled with firsts and lasts, enemies and friends, pain and beauty in abundance. Day’s I never thought would end and day’s I wished would go on for eternity. A roller coaster from day one you brought with you a whirlwind, which at times I wished I could get off. Unfortunately, we all know life isn’t always accommodating in that way. Without question you taught me that I have a much deeper sense of will and self then I ever realized, all while teaching me that there are some unflattering things that I need to take care of STAT. 2014 you were about learning and “being still”. I spent much of you attempting to tame the ways that have in the past been destructive. Even when you brought about changes that brought me to my knees, you gave me strength that was unwavering.
2014, you also brought me the most beautiful news, that 2015 will bring me the beautiful title of Mommy! With all of your strife, 2014, you taught me more about me, showed me beauty, and taught me that even in my darkest hour hold on to my light. I have learned that my light is what keeps me human and reminds me of my humility and compassion. You taught me to love differently. You also reminded me that even when others doubt me, to NEVER doubt myself. Even when the crowd goes left, go right if it feels honest.
Thank you 2014 for the happiness, laughs, and tears. You made me stronger and smarter. Tonight will be bittersweet but a swift kick in the ass out the door will be my final goodbye to you! I welcome 2015 with open arms and an open heart.
Peace out 2014… Thanks for the lessons but I’m not sad to see you go!
I never liked the concept of “Thanksgiving”. To me, why do I have to take just one day a year to be thankful. For me I am thankful daily… Honestly hourly, And even momentarily. I never needed a chronic illness to be thankful, but one thing is for sure having Lupus and Fibro has made me all that more thankful.
So take the time to think about what you are thankful for.
I could write a book on what I am thankful for, but take a moment.
Are you thinking?
Besides my family and friends, I am thankful for:
1.Food when I am on steroids
2.The medicines that have kept me alive
3.The healthcare staff that have made my never ending medical visits, livable.
4.My A-Team.. YES this is my friends and family but these are a very small select few!
5.For my growing son, that hasn’t graced this world with his presence BUT he has changed the world for at least one person! All before he took his first breath!
6. For the support of my readers!