The moment of realization…

The good thing about having this illness is that it allows me to be a little bit crazy.
Neil Cavuto

Humor or tears are often the only ways to pull myself out of my “realization” state. Being who I am, I go through life pushing through like a soldier. I never leave a man behind and unless it’s broke I don’t fix it. It’s rare I TRULY complain about something and I never let my illness consume the forefront of my mind. Although I live in the light and positive.. there are those moments of realization.

Monday afterwork I had the moment I refer to above. I was standing in my bathroom ready to inject my medication with a 3CC syringe. Now, I was in the medical field for many years and have injected myself so many times before, that quite frankly it is second nature. Monday night was just different. I looked down at the tip of the needle and say… Fuck! OBVIOUSLY I realize I have Lupus but for that moment… it hit me. The years and life moments leading up to Monday did a little show in my head. (No ladies and gents, life was not flashing before my eyes) I was just taking it all in. How did I get to this point in my life? How amazing is it that I get to take control of my health by this injection? The thoughts about how far I have come, yet how far I still have left to go. With all of these thoughts flooding my mind, a bit of sadness seeped in. If I said that I was always smiles and rainbows, someone better asking me what I am smoking.

After a moment I took a deep breath and imbedded the needle in a nice little roll in my belly! The medicine only stings for a moment and then I am on my way, with a little bruise to remind me of my weekly events. (Bruising is part of the game, my nickname should really be Peach!). Nevertheless I went about my evening like I always do, pushing any lingering emotions to the side and going about my evening. This day though, it took some effort to do what I normally do with ease. I wasn’t able to push aside my emotions so easily.

In that one moment I experienced anxiety, sadness, helplessness, frustration, humility, and ANGER! I felt like I went through the grieving cycle in one foul swoop! The very moment of realization I had took me to a place I rarely go in my head. A very real and vulnerable place that I constitute as negative at times, but it happens. It was a moment that I realized although I kick ass and I am a fighter that this illness is a mean mama JAMA! I realized that this illness has changed my life forever and there was nothing I could do about the changed good or bad… ABOVE all I resolved to realize that I don’t care what it takes… LUPUS will not get me! I will fight like so many before me and for those after me! I will fight for the one’s that feel like they can’t fight any more. I will fight till my very last breath and when my day comes to leave this earth and meet my maker… I will leave this earth knowing I fought Lupus and won! I will know that I died a woman that didn’t let that son of a bitch get me…. Because I will have lived a life of pure happiness regardless of how many injections and hospital visits I have under my belt!!!

XOXO, The sometimes angry but ALWAYS sassy,
Original Undefeated DIVA!

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Giving Thanks Everyday!

When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life, for your strength. Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself.
Tecumseh 

Good Morning World…. 

Although I give thanks daily and rarely follow the herd in the “whats cool to do right now” category, I decided to give a public rendition of thanks today…

 

As I sit in my comfy chair with a Pug named Harley on my lap, watching my every key stroke… I stop to inventory my life. I like to take a mental inventory every morning and every night, and a lot of times throughout the day. 

As I watch the sun start to illuminate my home with it’s beautiful rays, I thank the big guy for my life. When is say my life, I mean the breath I take, the gift of sight I have, and the ability to hear the amazing life around me. I am grateful beyond belief that I am standing (ok, sitting at this moment) and able to furnish my family with a beautiful Thanksgiving meal today. I am grateful that I will have the ability to sit surrounded by immense love and share with my loved ones a day filled with laughter, loudness, and LOVE. 

Nothing makes me happier than to fill their bellies. Call it an innate sense of womanhood or being Puerto Rican, but I find joy in watching my loved ones eat something I have prepared. 

Life is amazingly crazy though, I find thanks in the smallest of things. I give thanks for the smiles I see daily, for the laughs I induce or get to witness, and for the observation of love exchanged. I am thankful for new adventures, for the daily hugs I receive, and for the I love you’s I hear. I am HUMBLED beyond belief for being afforded the opportunity to be part of so many peoples lives. 

 

To say I am grateful for everything would be an understatement, because most wouldn’t think to be grateful for the air they breath. Me, well let’s just say I have had my share of respiratory failures to be grateful for even one breath never the less continued breathing I get to do.

Sometimes I think to myself that I must have been a saint in a past life, because I have been given so many chances at life. I was recently given a second chance, something I never thought I would be afforded again. I thank the big guy an infinite amount of times daily for it. Sometimes the road less traveled looks long and hard, but I have a feeling at the end of this one there is an amazing lining. So I am thankful for the opportunity to take the twists and turns. 

 

So to bring my rambling to an end, I am thankful for my life… All the crazy turns, loudness, laughter, pain, tears, and above all LOVE that has accompanied it because for lack of that I wouldn’t be me and here! 

 

Hope you all have a beautiful Thanksgiving filled with as much love, laughter, and FOOD your little hearts desire! 

 

XOXO, 

 

Peace, Love, and Turkey Grease, 

 

Undefeated Diva