Tag Archives for Inspiration

Yesterday was my due date…

“When you survive loss… everyone is quick to tell you how strong you are, and how tough you must be. But actually, no one has a choice to survive grief do they… it’s not optional. You just have to cry in the shower, sob in your pillow, and pray you will make it” – Zoe Clark-Coates

“Everything happens for a reason”… In the 6 plus months that I gained an angel, I’ve navigated a life waiting for the reason to come along. What I have learned is that all too often people do not speak of it. All too often people navigate through life feeling lost and alone. I swore when it happened, that one day I would speak about it. I initially started this blog so no-one would feel alone. So people out there struggling would know there is someone out there going through something, even if it is not exactly what you are going through. So today I write (although not my usual topic chain) to let you know, you are not alone.

On June 1, 2017 we gained an angel. I was 10 weeks and had finally settled into the shock I would be a mother of two. I had always longed to be a mother and although I did not believe my life was ready for another just yet, I was in love. Unfortunately, life had another plan. How it all happened was heartbreaking but I could not have asked for better people to have cared for me. The ER doctor that held my hand, the nurses, my OB that hugged me and knew just what to say, the Surgical staff, and my family… all were superb and made an agonizing situation slightly bearable. Even in the fog, I knew I had been blessed.

Yet no-one warns you. No-one warns you of the little things that strip your already bared soul of the remaining life in it. No-one tells you how you will have to repeat the words to every check in person, nurse, and Dr that comes in to see you. No-one warns you how sitting in the waiting room for an appointment for confirmation, watching the beauty of pregnancy will eat at your soul in ways you could never explain. No-one warns you that the colors around you will dissipate and cease to exist for a point in time. No-one warns you that EVERYONE will have an opinion and a timeline for you to get on with life. No-one warns you of the feeling of failure, anger, and despair you feel . How angry with the world around you, you become. How little things that should not bother you become far bigger then they should be. No-one preps you for the day your due date arrives and the emptiness you feel. No-one tells you how the feeling that you forgot something will never leave you. Finally, no-one tells you how to find closure.

We never held our baby… We never got to say goodbye. It was different this time. Maybe it was for the best because no parent should have to say goodbye. So here I am… the day after my due date still trying to navigate life. My son has slowly helped me find color. The days have become more bearable and I have laughed again, but I carry you with me. I carry you in a unique place that I prepared, for the child that never came.

XOXO,

Undefeated Me

If you are out there struggling, please know you are not alone. As hard as it is when you are ready reach out, talk about it. You are NOT alone.

Best Lupus Blogs of 2015!

I am humbled to announce that Undefeateddiva.com has made healthine.com list for Best Lupus Blogs for the second year in a row.

When I initially started writing I did it to help people to not feel alone in their journey. I quickly realized I wanted to not only help but INSPIRE. I have had the most beautiful journey since. Thank you to healthline.com for seeing this and helping my vision come true by giving me a bigger platform to reach.

Check out the list here Best Lupus Blogs 2015

With love and humility,

Undefeated Diva

  

My Wrist Bling (Review)!

If I had my way, I’d wear jewelry, a great pair of heels and nothing else.
Jada Pinkett Smith

I love personalization… Anything with my personal touch or something sentimental has my vote!

Today, I received the most beautiful wrist bling. When I was first diagnosed, I felt like I was alone in the world on the never ending roller coaster ride filled of doctors visits and symptoms. The last 3 years have been filled with some of the most amazing moments… Today was one of them.

Last year I joined instagram and it I learned quickly the power of social media. I now never feel alone! I have a family constructed of the most beautiful and caring people in the world. In my lows I have sunshine and support, in my highs I have support and a team that would rival the olympic team.

Now, one of my beautiful Lupus Sisters makes some bling. I have seen so many of my other beautiful family members get her bling. I finally decided to jump in… and I am so excited and happy with the results.

Review:

From the first moment of interaction about the bracelet her customer service was impeccable. Foxxy took her time to explain the process in detail and took the time to ask in depth questions to get the concept of what I was looking to do. She asked questions, made suggestions, and allowed me to make a change before she sent the finished product.

Upon completion, she sent me the tracking information for my bracelets. They arrived so fast that I did not even get to the tracking information! When I opened the package, there was personalization everywhere. The personal touches and customer service were everywhere. When I opened the box, I was blown away. The quality was phenomenal. I initially had fears with the quality of a “stretchy” charm bracelet. I learned immediately that was not the case. Dare I say that my bling was better than the picture proofs she sent. When I put my bling on, the bracelet was heavy. The quality is superb. The color scheme was wonderful! Iw as so very surprised to find extra personal touches I did not see in the proof. There is nothing about the bracelets that don’t scream “I AM AMAZING and was made with love and care”. What I love most about my bling is that it was it is personal to me! It encompasses the essence of Undefeated Diva. (see photos below)

(The gloves signify undefeated)

So I say, if you are looking for impeccable customer service, personalized bling, and quality product made with love… I recommend http://foxxycharms.bigcartel.com.

 

Thank you Foxxy for my beautiful bling. I think I just found a great idea for christmas!

 

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I dare you say something!!!

“Not guilty by reason of Prednisone”
Gorgon

BOOM! You have a flare up, you stub your toe, you have chest pain, body aches. Just pick a complication, because 9 times out of 10 the treatment plan is still the same…Drum roll please….. STEROIDS… Most often Prednisone, but steroids come in several shapes and dosages.

You get sent home and reap the reprucussions of the side effects, of a medicine that is keeping you alive. The list of side effects to steroids is endless, but for me I cringe at the thought of the wrath. The silent hunger that creeps up on you and wakes you out of a dead sleep (when/if you can actually obtain it). A hunger that claws at your insides like you have not eaten in days… When honestly it has only been 2 hours! This of course is only one of many side effects. For me, a short fuse would not begin to describe the C4 loaded box in my chest. I know it’s there, I know why I am emotional, but hell if I can control the explosion once it is ignited; most often over nothing… *BOOM*

Then as the dust settles, if you are any type of human being you assess the casualties. Often times leaving in it’s wake it’s share of emotional hurt or pain. I am not saying this is right, but at least I am human enough to admit the truth. This is the problem ladies and gentlemen, often times people say they are being “real” when in all honesty it is the “real” they want to portray. Well, me, I am here to give it to you straight. If you don’t like it, well thats okay. I would be doing everyone an injustice if I sugarcoated even a word in my blogs. The down and dirty, good/bad/and sometimes ugly truth, SHIT HAPPENS and chronic illness SUCKS…

So to make me happy… Tonight as I wrote this up, I partook in a mini fiesta in my kitchen! I’ll give it to you guys, it did in fact look like I was hiding something; As I stood in the corner of my kitchen with only the light from my iPhone flashlight, going to TOWN on some amazing chips and dips… I laughed, because I sure as hell had NO SHAME! I had ignored the hunger for so long that the hunger pains actually ensued. My stomach started cramping up and the nausea kicked into hyperdrive… SO I had a choice… Eat the chocolates in my nightstand (resealable bag!) or get up and grab something more.

I will admit, I was craving the ultimate Philly Cheesesteak at that moment. In the end, I ended up with my small little fiesta and boy it was a party in my mouth! My fellow spoonies out there know what I am talking about. The first bite of whatever meal or snack you have when your on steroids is like nirvana. You could be eating a damn burnt hot dog and it tastes like the best meal in the world! My chips and dip did just that. The first bite of my chip, I threw my head back and “mmmm”. It sounds insane, because frankly it is. How could a medicine that is supposed to help you stay alive wreak so much havoc on you. Haven’t you been through enough? I mean for heaven sake you are on the medicine because you are not well.

 

NEVERTHELESS… Exhibit A below is a picture of my 12:17am fiesta! It hit the spot so well, I am thinking I may actually get some sleep tonight! SO, to my fellow spoonies out there suffering from midnight, midday, mid-second hunger/craving pains… I’VE GOT YO BACK! Ain’t No Shame In My Game! Eat, not to the point of being sick… but eat. I snack regularly, I eat fruits for snacks such as bananas (to keep the Potassium balances (Yet another problem from steroids)). I also get the 100 cal snack packs and although I may eat more than one, it is better then eating a damn Philly at 3 am!

In the end, I dare someone say something to me. I almost beg for someone to say something because I would use the opportunity to ask this…

What would you do if the medicine that was supposed to save your life, is also killing you slowly?

(YOU EAT CHIPS AND DIPS! BOOM)

🙂 Good Night and sweet dreams!

 

XOXO,

ME!

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Even the fiery advocate gets tired…

Man has got to know his limitations. Clint Eastwood

“Oh you look better”, “you don’t look sick”… Or the ever agonizing look of pity or question of whether you are faking it…

I was ashamed of myself when I walked out of the doors of my school today. Sunglasses on, bags on my shoulders, I just left after what should have been me waiting to speak to my advisor. See, because even the fiery advocates get tired of advocating sometimes.

Unfortunately, this semester of college has been one of my toughest. I have been in the middle of a flare up of epic proportions. Although I have my good days, those have been farther and farther apart. The good days are actually bad day’s that I have medicated myself, slept for 2 days prior to them, yet still take 2 hours to get dressed. Often times I wonder if I will even make it to class most Wednesdays, never really thinking about the on-line classes I can’t seem to wrap my brain around due to the epic brain fog. Today I had the option of sitting with my advisor, which happens to also be a current professor of mine. I sat while she spoke to another student and then it hit me. I have fallen behind in her class and here I was going to sit in front of her and discuss my future. Although my face had make-up on (miracles do happen), I was put together, and standing upright she could not see the turmoil and pain I was in. The impending migraine that was threatening a night of torture and the fact that the sheer touch of my shirt to my skin felt like shards of glass. Nor would she be able to tell that my body was threatening me with the possibility of passing out from the dizziness I have had for two days. So as I sat there and watched her speak to another student, I made the decision I was allowed to say I AM DONE… for the day and leave. For a natural born advocate like myself, it was a realization. The realization that I had “given in” to the pressure of stigma, that I talked myself into walking out when I hadn’t even given her the chance to talk to me. What I did do though, was show myself that I know my limits!

Every person has their limits. Today, I knew that I had reached mine. I knew that a look from her or too many questions would have turned me into an angry and defensive me. I would have been no advocate at all, I would have been a stereotype… So I left. As I felt defeat walking out the door, I felt no more as I drove over the beautiful bridge met by sunshine and clear waters in my town. I knew I had done the right thing, which was advocate to myself and for myself that today was not the day.

So the lesson for today… Is even the strongest of us advocates gives in. Sometimes it’s ok not to “advocate”, if you know that really you are causing more harm than advocacy.

XOXO,
Tired Undefeated Diva

On Facebook

Technology and social media have brought power back to the people.
Mark McKinnon

Good Morning World and Happy Friday!

I hope that all of you are having a wonderful morning, noon, or night. I have been asked by a couple of my blog family members if I was on any social media and I was except for Facebook, that is until now. If you ask you shall receive:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Undefeated-Diva/1386807961561329

One of my blog family made a fantastic point, it is much easier to communicate via FB with anyone then it is to do so through my blog. So if you have some time come on over and show your support!

Thank you all for your support of my writing and my journey!

Much love on this Friday,
Undefeated Diva

Why not yourself?

Good Morning Beautiful World!

“I don’t know the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” -Bill Cosby

Initially I had no true inspiration for today’s writings. I felt something bubbling up from the depths of my soul that wanted to be heard, but NADA… THEN BAM!

Today I pose the question, why not please yourself? Before any of you go to that deliciously secret place, let me explain. So often we do for others in our life, because it the “right” thing to do. Many times sacrificing our wants and NEEDS in the process. When is sacrificing our happiness no longer ok?

I ask this question because so often we do for others (not just our families), often sacrificing the things that matter most to us. Many times it’s the mentality that “tomorrow will come”. Well GUESS WHAT Ladies and Gents… What if tomorrow never comes? Morbid in a way, but why continue living for something that is not certain? Why continue trying to please everyone around you when in the end it is you alone at the casket? Yes, again I realize thats a morbid thought process… but real and raw never the less.

If your saying to yourself your not a conformist or you don’t try and please people, YOUR WRONG… If you have put something on the back burner because you HAD to focus on something right now… That of course is no longer relevant, then your fall into what I am talking about. If you have ever gone against the true will of what you want or need because you didn’t want to incite an argument at home, WELL this blog is talking to you too. IF you have ever said, “now is not the time” or my favorite “I’ll do it tomorrow”, then I am talking to you.

Now I get it, we can’t all be rule breakers and hellions. I am not saying to tell work to Fuck off. What I am saying is that in the end it’s you in the casket. When it’s your time to go will you feel that you were 100% happy with your life? Don’t say YES right away to prove a point. I said 100% happy! 100% happy is not saying, “oh I wanted to do this BUT it just didn’t happen and thats ok” HELL NO it’s not ok! So, go out there and jump out that airplane (don’t get to excited and forget your parachute), go out there and kiss the person you love, and go out there and LEAVE IT ALL ON THE TABLE! Today is the day! Tomorrow is not a guarantee, I my friends am living proof.

So go and LIVE!

XOXO,
Undefeated Diva