Tag Archives for Life

Ass Handing…

My body is angry… Laying in bed (Yes I realize it is 6:55PM EST) and I feel like I just got my ass handed to me. You know Lupus is part of the culprit when you barely get in the door from driving home and can barely manage to get in the shower. Hell if I could actually bathe myself. So I SAT. I waited a couple of minutes and mustered enough energy to wash and get out. Now I am trying to muster the energy to get dressed. This of course all while still not executing breathing appropriately from my last asthma attack and the shakes. 

You may wonder how I have the energy to write. Well, my talk to text is my best friend. Plus, I want any of my fellow chronic illness warriors out there that may be  getting your ass handed to you today… I’m there with you and WE’VE got this!!!! 
Xoxo,

ME

Brittle Asthma

There is Asthma and then there is:

Defined:

brittle asthma

A rare form of ASTHMA affecting mainly females and featuring sudden, very severe, often life-threatening attacks. Those affected have a mild degree of immune deficiency, with poorly-controlled asthma in spite of substantial doses of inhaled steroids and wide diurnal swings in their peak flow meter readings. The term is also applied to people whose asthma is normally well controlled but who, nevertheless, suffer occasional sudden severe attacks. Brittle Asthma. (n.d.) Collins Dictionary of Medicine. (2004, 2005). Retrieved June 13 2016 from http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/brittle+asthma 

Asthma Disease

 

There is nothing more we take for granted than breathing. Hell even I take it for granted, that is until I can’t. Let me paint you a picture, a very real picture. It often starts with coughing or some form of chest tightness. Unfortunately, it never stays that simple for long. Within minutes the chest tightness goes from 0-100. It was a normal Thursday, you know get up, get ready, get little man ready, rush out the door, get little man to day care… But this Thursday was different. 4:28am brought with it a dream that I was drowning, shortly after that I was up gasping for air and attached to my home nebulizer. Crazy how the body works.

It never ceases to amaze me the strength within.  Instead of going to work I found myself in the parking lot of the ER. I thought it would be an easy visit and for all outsiders it was. Simply because I refused to be admitted, yes you have to stick up for what you want or need. Unfortunately, I have not bounced back as quickly as I had hoped. Four day’s later and I am still struggling. Something as simple as putting my clothes on has me breathing like a 90 year old chain smoker. Getting in my car this morning had me sitting and utilizing my rescue inhaler. There is nothing like feeling like you are breathing through a straw. Ever try it?

Some day’s… Day’s like the last four have me mad… Mad at my body, mad about these diseases that take over. No matter how hard I fight, try being healthy, eating healthy, taking vitamins, attending my appointments, sometimes I feel like I lose anyway. Something as simple as not keeping up with my little guy shatters a piece of me. I will never stop fighting, but damn it if I don’t come close some day’s to just saying FUCK IT! I can’t tell you how many day’s I come so very close to staying in bed. 🙂 Some how I crawl out and push forward, but it’s a close call.

Keep fighting my friends… Keep getting out of bed… I am there with you!

XOXO,

Undefeated Diva.

World Lupus Day

May 10th is World Lupus Day! “There is no boundary to the impact of lupus. Lupus is a global health problem that affects people of all nationalities, races, ethnicities, genders and ages. Lupus can affect any part of the body in any way at any time, often with unpredictable and life-changing results. While lupus knows no boundaries, knowing all you can about lupus can help control its impact. (Worldlupusday.org)


Today I wear PUT PURPLE ON #POP to raise awareness! 
Shine bright always! 

Xoxo,

Undefeated Diva

Day’s Like Today

Being able to walk pain-free is a blessing. Being able to walk without showing the pain is a skill.

Kylie McPherson

 

The pain can be excruciating, mood altering, and downright unbearable. Day’s like today, I get it. I get how someone is pushed to the brink. I get how someone normally so sane and logical can be pushed far beyond their limits and be anything but. Day’s like today, there are only minutes. I count the day in minutes. I made it through another 30 minutes without going home or without giving up. At the end of the day I am proud of myself, but to get there is no easy feat.

Life has been an interesting ride as of late. Diagnosed with steroid induced diabetes a couple of weeks back, I have been fending off sugar drops and rises like the most seasoned tennis player. Add to this insomnia and pure exhaustion, I have a pretty good idea of what induced this onslaught of body pain. None of that makes it any easier. Opening my eyes this morning the pain I felt, felt as though I was in a car accident. The exhaustion I felt, felt as though I had taken some form of sedative. Neither of which actually happened. Like us chronic illness warriors always seem to do, I pulled myself together as much as humanly possible and off to work.

One that does not live with a chronic illness may not understand what it takes. To walk to the copier, to type an email, to even sit for more than a few moments. It is all excruciating. Better yet, to wear clothing that is not loose is a mission. Day’s like today, I am proud of my chronic illness sisters and brothers on a different level. Day’s like today take more skill and determination than normal days. Unfortunately day’s like today often outweigh the “normal”.

So my fellow sisters and brothers on days like today and every day I am with you. I stand strong for you. Above all I wish we were all together to hug and hold one another. Because let’s be honest on days like today what I really need is a hug.

 

XOXO,

Undefeated Diva…

Breaking the Habit

I did it because it was something that felt right but there was a turning point, where it made me feel bad not just about the situation but about myself. Where was that turning point? I am still unsure, if I was honest with myself it has been some time. When you think about a “habit”, most would think of something like smoking. Well me, I am breaking an emotional habit. This new journey I am on has taught me a new level of what it means to fight. There is the daily fight of my chronic illnesses, but those I did not have a choice in. This new journey I have made the choice to break. It’s a choice that puts me at odds with my heart.

Why would I purposefully hurt myself? Right about the time I realized I depended on it, the communication. I allowed it to dictate my day, my emotions. I realized it had become an unhealthy situation. I blamed outwardly because OF COURSE there was nothing wrong with depending on someone you love. WRONG! There is nothing cute about what I used to feel when I did not hear back, felt ignored, or felt unheard. There was nothing cute about how it affected me. How I… Me… Myself… allowed it to control my world. So I had a choice. I could continue wreaking havoc on my emotional well-being or I could do something about it. It took much longer than I care to admit, but I am on my way. Most would think it’s as simple as not reaching out. If it were only that simple. It’s like a drug and far deeper than just sending a text or making a call. It’s knowing that you have no right putting pressure on others for the things you need. If it is not who they are, who are you to impose things on them. So it was time to remind myself who I was without it. To remind myself what it was to stand on my own. I have never encountered this problem before, so I was chartering a new sea.

As I was driving home the other night, I heard a song I have heard many times before but the words were me.

Breaking the Habit

By Linkin Park

Memories consume like opening the wounds

I’m picking me apart again

You all assume

I’m safe here in my room

Unless I try to start again

I don’t want to be the one the battles always choose

’cause inside I realize that I’m the one confused

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don’t know why I instigate

And say what I don’t mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I know it’s not alright

So I’m breaking the habit

I’m breaking the habit tonight

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more than any time before

I have no options left again

I don’t want to be the one the battles always choose

’cause inside I realize that I’m the one confused

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don’t know why I instigate

And say what I don’t mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I’ll never be alright So I’m breaking the habit

I’m breaking the habit tonight

I’ll paint it on the walls

’cause I’m the one at fault

I’ll never fight again

And this is how it ends

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I’ll never be alright

So I’m breaking the habit

I’m breaking the habit

I’m breaking the habit tonight

 

So to my peeps breaking a habit, I am with you! Stay strong and keep going.

 

XOXO,

Undefeated Me!

Insomnia Funnies

I am pretty sure at this rate I will reach some form of hysteria by midweek…  I found myself laughing at the following pictures a little harder than I should have. 

   
 
I wonder if I would find them funny once I get a decent amount of sleep? Furthermore I am here to inform you my friends that penguins DO in fact have knees! Just in case you were all curious. Lol

Another night, another tortuous night of rapid fire thoughts that seem to never end. I believe I have not only reviewed my life as a whole, but have caught up on my research and revised my life plan ten times over. I’ve also recreated my bucket list at least five times. Who is with me out there? What have you done? Have you designed the next breakthrough in modern science? I swear I am much smarter between the hours of 1-3am than I am during “normal” working hours. 

On a not so funny note, due to what seems to be my new power hours my pain level and swelling are on the rise.  My brain and body are betraying themselves yet again. I am so sorry to those of my fellow brothers and sisters that deal with this on a much grander scale then I am. May the beauty of sleep find us all… And soon! 

Xoxo, UD