It is not always easy to hold your head up in the middle of a storm For many reasons it’s easier to look down. The only reason I look down is because it is the path of least resistance. When you are in the center of a storm, the last thing you want to do is answer questions. To answer questions or cater to anyone else’s emotions, do they not see you are in need of your own TLC? So to me it has always been easier to keep trucking. Often times people take not holding one’s head up as a sign of an insecurity. I often wonder if these people ever stop to think, maybe we just don’t want to talk to you it has nothing to do with insecurities. I quite frankly am very secure in who I am. Keeping my head low has nothing to do with who I am or how I feel about myself.
SO, on with today’s lesson. I spoke to someone I haven’t seen since I was around 7 years old. He was a good friend of the family and he told me today that whatever I do to keep my head up. You would think I had never hear this before, for heaven sakes I give this advice all of the time. Today, it was a little different. Today it hit me differently. I was hearing this message from someone I had not seen in over 20 years but someone that I considered family regardless of the distance. He told me ” Life is going to throw you things and with each passing decade it will throw you more difficulties, but it is up to you to hold your head up through the storm”. It may not sound as profound as it was but it was one of those moments where I took stock of everything around me for fear of forgetting that moment. Maybe it was profound because it was advice not given to me by just anyone. Maybe it was profound because it wasn’t someone just shooting from the hip and giving me advice that didn’t know me from a hole in the wall. Either way it was profound.
In that moment I took stock. I realized I have been in serious self preservation mode for nearly 6 months and probably longer. My current woes are no more serious or important than the next person. Self preservation is not bad, but when you allow self preservation to be all you live well that is no longer healthy. So today I looked up for the first time. I realized I was not looking people in the eye’s any more, today I did. I realized that although I am in the middle of what is one of the toughest years of my life, that I need to look up and hold my head high. Realistically, how else would I see the beauty ahead?
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light!
I have searched for the eject button on the recent path of my journey, to no avail. In the years since my diagnosis I have done what I always do, plow through, head held high, never looking back. As of late that methodology has not been as comforting. Life’s lemons are still sitting on my porch waiting to be made into it’s potent beverage. I have stared at them not quite understanding what to do with them, as my normal kick ass, straight forward approach has had me coming up drained and in the same place. Stagnant and drained are pretty substantial words to describe my current state of being. I have pondered and scoured for an answer to the “why” and it wasn’t until several days ago that I found the answer.
Let me be clear, my friendship with my chronic illnesses is nothing new. We are several years in and I thought that I had gotten a nice hold on them. What I wasn’t ready to admit to myself or the world around me was that, I no longer knew who I saw in the mirror. She looked familiar, she sounded familiar, but all in all not the same person. Really, it should have come as no surprise to me but it surly was. As I was in my beautiful world of deep cleaning and ridiculously loud music this week, the answer to the why was so very clear.
I no longer knew myself.
For someone that knew who she was and where she was going in life at a ridiculously young age this was a catastrophic blow. It all made sense though. The feeling of being lost and alone even when I was surrounded by the people that loved me most. The feeling of unease and uncertainty when I had the best support system someone could ask for. It all made perfect sense. When all you know is this semblance of a person that handles life with a vigorous fire that can never be snuffed, then you find yourself confused and depleted from life’s lemonade, you can’t help but feel shaken down. Right now, in my life I am getting a shake down. One day I woke up and I was in another body that had unimaginable pains, unclear thoughts from what could only be described as a foggy state, and a back bone that no longer stood straight. Who was this person? How did this happen?
Getting diagnosed wasn’t the hard part, reacquainting myself… well, with myself has been the most excruciating experience. Trying to do this while living life on life’s terms, well now your asking for too much. Having to work, be a wife, a daughter, and fuck it a productive member of society… All the while trying to understand what happened to you… Now that’s a damn epic mission. Nevertheless, I realized it and all of the missing pieces came together. I hadn’t realized that it was going to be a grieving process or even a process period. The vibrant woman was now a slower moving version of who she used to be. A more jaded and fatigued version of who she used to be. The woman that looks back at me in the mirror is tired, depleted, and honestly a little angry… Not the old me that was the fire spitting free spirit with endless energy. Can I place all of the blame on chronic illnesses? Well sure I can but that’s not who I am. I take responsibility for my actions and my part in the situation. I could have done more about my illnesses. I could have done some more soul searching. In the end, I won’t look back at what I could have done, to me thats a waste of perfectly good brain cells that I should preserve for days that the brain fog sets in.
So where do I go from here I asked myself. Well to the beach of course! So I find myself at the beach, searching for answers to questions I thought I already had the answers to. I am searching for answers and way to steer this new way of life for me. To figure out how to still be that firecracker powerhouse that is determined to teach the world all the while possessing a body that does not match the soul.
What I have come to realize in all of this is, this is normal guys. I am no different than anyone going through any struggle. It is real, it is normal, and it is going to be O.K. Now I just need to find sticky notes to help with the brain fog and some great heels!
Until Next Time.
This one is an oldie originally written September 19, 2012:
“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile
because it happened.”
― Dr. Seuss
“You only live once, but if you do
it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West
Hello Everyone! I have missed you
guys and to be honest I am yet again overdue for a sun shining kick ass pep
talk, so I chose two quotes for todays entry. What do you think?
Life as always has been entertaining and comical to say the least. Today was extra comical, with finding out that I have several breaks in my left foot. This of course is after fracturing a rib the Friday before Labor Day. Of course none of these were achieved by trucking up mount Kilimanjaro or fighting off a sasquatch. The rib was from stretching and the foot because I rolled it while favoring my rib!
Lame, I am aware but that’s me. I have come to the decision that I will from
here on out come up with a different story every time someone asks me how I did
So today’s Christinaism: How I
Of course my Christinaism today was
yet again spun from something out of the ordinary. Today as I was throwing thee awesome internal pity party that was “whoa is me”, someone made a comment that spun my creative juices. This afternoon I was showing a co-worker pictures in my phone when they made the comment “wow you take a lot of pictures”, of course
at the time I didn’t say or think much about it. To be honest they were right I
take way to many pictures, and more recently I have thought about taking on the daunting task of going through them and deleting the ones I don’t want or need. Although every time I do that, I seem to end up with more than what I started with. Once I was in the car and the sweet silence of not being in the office consumed me, I thought about the statement again and of course I had a wonderfully intellectual conversation with myself about it. I have always been one to take tons of pictures but more recently I take pictures of EVERYTHING myself, Chris, Harley, a picture of a quote I see that I like, and even something as silly as the miles on my car. Of course I after a small self evaluation I made myself aware that I bordered slight weirdo status!
Then…… ::Light bulb:: (said in the most
despicable me voice I could muster).
The answer came to me clear as day.
I take pictures because it reminds me that I have lived! So many times I am in a situation and I have thought to myself I hope that I remember this for years to come and the second I walk away from the situation the memory fades. If I take a picture and save it, there will come a time when I will look back and rejoice in the memory.
You have all been on the ride with
me through the memory loss, the hair falling out, the hives, the hospital
visits, and lets not forget the laughs. Do you think I would honestly remember half of what I post on here? Hell I can’t remember what the hell I wore yesterday! So to me my pictures are my personal timeline of how I have lived and the amazing things this life has given me.
One thing this beautiful monster of
a diagnosis has given me is a zest and an undeniable fire to live; to live
hard, dirty, humbled, and grateful. When I am on that death bed, hopefully many years from now I want to be able to look back on my life and rejoice in the knowledge that I lived! I want to look back at the memories I am fortunate to remember, but also the memories in the thousands of pictures I have taken over my lifetime. To me pictures show truth. (Not many of you will agree with that, but it’s my blog so shush it). Take a moment to think about it though, pictures
show what someone is often trying to hide, or the beauty behind something that you may not see with the naked eye.
Pictures to me share a story of a
frozen moment in time. Have you ever smelled something in the air or heard a song that brought you back to a period in your life? Well my pictures do that for me. I won’t be defensive and say… that when I was having memory problems that it didn’t scare the shit out of me, because quite frankly it did. I never want there to come a day that I forget my life and that I have been given a second, third, and fourth chance to live it. Life is amazing if you let it be.
Of course you all know I have my days but I like to think I take those days and
grow from them, learn from them, and laugh from them. Of course I also share them with all of you, my free therapy.
So let’s see homework for my
support system. I want each of you to capture your life be it through photos,
writings, or whatever suits your fancy. Next time I speak to one of you or
maybe even hear from you I will be sure to ask you… How are you capturing your life?
So heres to healing broken bones and capturing life!
Still not defeated but slightly broken
Good Morning Beautiful World!
“I don’t know the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” -Bill Cosby
Initially I had no true inspiration for today’s writings. I felt something bubbling up from the depths of my soul that wanted to be heard, but NADA… THEN BAM!
Today I pose the question, why not please yourself? Before any of you go to that deliciously secret place, let me explain. So often we do for others in our life, because it the “right” thing to do. Many times sacrificing our wants and NEEDS in the process. When is sacrificing our happiness no longer ok?
I ask this question because so often we do for others (not just our families), often sacrificing the things that matter most to us. Many times it’s the mentality that “tomorrow will come”. Well GUESS WHAT Ladies and Gents… What if tomorrow never comes? Morbid in a way, but why continue living for something that is not certain? Why continue trying to please everyone around you when in the end it is you alone at the casket? Yes, again I realize thats a morbid thought process… but real and raw never the less.
If your saying to yourself your not a conformist or you don’t try and please people, YOUR WRONG… If you have put something on the back burner because you HAD to focus on something right now… That of course is no longer relevant, then your fall into what I am talking about. If you have ever gone against the true will of what you want or need because you didn’t want to incite an argument at home, WELL this blog is talking to you too. IF you have ever said, “now is not the time” or my favorite “I’ll do it tomorrow”, then I am talking to you.
Now I get it, we can’t all be rule breakers and hellions. I am not saying to tell work to Fuck off. What I am saying is that in the end it’s you in the casket. When it’s your time to go will you feel that you were 100% happy with your life? Don’t say YES right away to prove a point. I said 100% happy! 100% happy is not saying, “oh I wanted to do this BUT it just didn’t happen and thats ok” HELL NO it’s not ok! So, go out there and jump out that airplane (don’t get to excited and forget your parachute), go out there and kiss the person you love, and go out there and LEAVE IT ALL ON THE TABLE! Today is the day! Tomorrow is not a guarantee, I my friends am living proof.
So go and LIVE!