Yesterday was my due date…

“When you survive loss… everyone is quick to tell you how strong you are, and how tough you must be. But actually, no one has a choice to survive grief do they… it’s not optional. You just have to cry in the shower, sob in your pillow, and pray you will make it” – Zoe Clark-Coates

“Everything happens for a reason”… In the 6 plus months that I gained an angel, I’ve navigated a life waiting for the reason to come along. What I have learned is that all too often people do not speak of it. All too often people navigate through life feeling lost and alone. I swore when it happened, that one day I would speak about it. I initially started this blog so no-one would feel alone. So people out there struggling would know there is someone out there going through something, even if it is not exactly what you are going through. So today I write (although not my usual topic chain) to let you know, you are not alone.

On June 1, 2017 we gained an angel. I was 10 weeks and had finally settled into the shock I would be a mother of two. I had always longed to be a mother and although I did not believe my life was ready for another just yet, I was in love. Unfortunately, life had another plan. How it all happened was heartbreaking but I could not have asked for better people to have cared for me. The ER doctor that held my hand, the nurses, my OB that hugged me and knew just what to say, the Surgical staff, and my family… all were superb and made an agonizing situation slightly bearable. Even in the fog, I knew I had been blessed.

Yet no-one warns you. No-one warns you of the little things that strip your already bared soul of the remaining life in it. No-one tells you how you will have to repeat the words to every check in person, nurse, and Dr that comes in to see you. No-one warns you how sitting in the waiting room for an appointment for confirmation, watching the beauty of pregnancy will eat at your soul in ways you could never explain. No-one warns you that the colors around you will dissipate and cease to exist for a point in time. No-one warns you that EVERYONE will have an opinion and a timeline for you to get on with life. No-one warns you of the feeling of failure, anger, and despair you feel . How angry with the world around you, you become. How little things that should not bother you become far bigger then they should be. No-one preps you for the day your due date arrives and the emptiness you feel. No-one tells you how the feeling that you forgot something will never leave you. Finally, no-one tells you how to find closure.

We never held our baby… We never got to say goodbye. It was different this time. Maybe it was for the best because no parent should have to say goodbye. So here I am… the day after my due date still trying to navigate life. My son has slowly helped me find color. The days have become more bearable and I have laughed again, but I carry you with me. I carry you in a unique place that I prepared, for the child that never came.


Undefeated Me

If you are out there struggling, please know you are not alone. As hard as it is when you are ready reach out, talk about it. You are NOT alone.


I need to start by saying sorry. Sorry to my readers, supporters, and friends that I have been away for so long. Life… that is all I can say. I hope you are all well and kicking ass, and taking names!!!
Today on a day that sadness as found me, I have thought of loss. When one losses someone, it is customary to attempt to up lift them and tell them things that may support those actions. Often times it is something along the lines of “it will get easier”, “Time heals” or even Something like, “it’s going to be okay”. Well the more and more I have thought about it over the years, the more and more I realize how untrue this is. Although yes, you do not cry daily or even every moment. No you do not sulk at every turn, but that does not mean it gets easier with time or even that you are healed as if miraculously back to who you were before the loss. 
I do not want to take away from the people attempting to provide comfort, because they are coming from a good place. I just found it enlightening and liberating to truly think this through. Let’s be honest here, there is some level of pressure to heal and get back on the horse after loss. To get back to your daily life and all that goes with it. No matter the level off loss. It could be the loss of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, the loss of self or someone you thought you were. No matter the loss there is a pressure to heal and everyone around you looks to you to heal according to their perception. I thought to myself, how can you be the same after a loss? How can you be expected to be the same, feel the same, act the same after? You can’t, at least you shouldn’t. So on today’s journey I found this… and I will leave it right here.

Those of you dealing with loss… you’ve got this and it is okay to grieve. 

Still Undefeated Me 


Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.

Walter Anderson

Loss of any magnitude is arduous. Yesterday was a very sad day. Yesterday a father lost his son, a mother lost her baby boy, and then I heard of the passing of a special woman. Two losses in one day. Two families are experiencing paramount loss this week. So yesterday was a day of remembrance for me. I sat and thought of all the loss, all of the pain, but above it all… I considered all of the beautiful both of these people left this world.

In a time of loss, we feel sadness, unbearable pain, and at times we feel that we cannot move forward. In times of loss we forget to remember the happy. It is only natural to forget to live in the happy, because the experience of loss can be soul shattering. Yesterday I spent the afternoon and evening hugging my sister and laughing at her antics. I spent the time thinking about all I have in front of me and the beauty that grows within. I spent the time remembering my co-worker and promising myself I would dig out the recipes she wrote out for me prior to my moving. Most of all, I sat and thought that there is so much more I need to do with the time I have… SO I need to get on it!

Today with a heavy heart, I look to do one thing I want to do on my list. I look to research some other things I want to do. Today I am going to strive to change some of the things I have been talking about changing. If I remember anything about my beautiful co-worker, it was that she had a flare for life! She was never afraid to stand up for what she believed in. She never was afraid to try something new. She was never afraid to help someone in need. To me, that is what life is about.

So today, get on it my fellow spoonies. Get on living. What are you going to do today? Pick something small off of that list in your mind you want to do. Even if you are stuck in the doctor’s office today or at the hospital. Pick one thing. Don’t forget, always feel free to share!



Another Angel….


Instagram: (see picture above) My fellow #spoonies unite! We gained a beautiful angel today. Prayer for her family! @hannareese17. We just recently started following eachother and in a short time she inspired me! Only 16… Beautiful butterfly, may you soar until we see you again!

I take a moment… To grieve … Only 16… When will they listen? A cure is needed! Are we not loud enough? Do we not stand tall enough? Do you need a face for it! I will be the face. I stand tall! I am loud enough! I will speak for my brothers and sisters that can not. I will stand tall for my brothers and sisters that can not. I am one face of MILLIONS! When will you listen!?

Angry… Sad… ,
Undefeated Diva