Written Jun 17, 2011 5:57pm
Again, I have not written. Again, I have stared at a blank page and written amazing words and discarded them on multiple occasions. It’s been a month since my last entry and I shake my head because I have many unfinished entries in my head and in the recycling bin of my computer.
1. Detriment, disadvantage, or deprivation from failure to keep, have, or get: to bear the loss of a robbery.
2. Something that is lost: The painting was the greatest loss from the robbery.
3. An amount or number lost: The loss of life increased each day.
How many of you out there have experienced loss? I know a number of you that are shaking their heads or saying yes. When one thinks of the definition of loss they mainly think of losing a loved one, or a possession, and for you crazies out there you may even possibly think about something like losing your virginity.
To me loss is not just about a possession or something that you can scientifically explain. To me loss is encompassed in loss of attitude or stature, loss of emotion or understanding, as well as loss of sensitivity. When considering loss, possessions or valued items are only small items on the long list of what I believe one is capable of losing.
Most of you who know me know the bright and shining Chris, but I have to admit that the dark and shadow filled places in my head have grown a little bigger lately. My glasses seem to have a slight film of gray over them. Many will have advice to give to what I just said and some may just say think that I am being negative, but let not fake shield you from reality. The world is amazing and many of times a beautiful place but was the world meant to be enjoyed “this” way?
A world filled with pain, loss, judgment, abuse, neglect, struggle, hunger, war, hatred, and anger all surrounded by pretty flowers and the hope for a better life. Way to go on the negativity Chris right!? Well to me, it’s facing reality! So suck it up ladies and gents because this is real.
I won’t apologize for the truth because I do not believe that the world was meant to be this way. I know a 50 year old man that died just under 3 months after he found out his “back” pain was full blown kidney cancer. I also slept just a floor above a neglected special needs woman that passed away “alone” because she was the ward of a home that was run by a nun that showed no compassion. Add to this combination a little sprinkle of white lies, omitted information, and Lupus and you can see why the small dark corners of my mind have been a thinking place for me the past month.
To update on my “Lupus Lite”, I have canceled all appointments with my previous doctor and have made an appointment for a second opinion. I have gotten off of most of my medications for the Lupus Lite so that my system is clean when I go to the new DR. The reason for this is because the medication they had me on suppressed the swelling in my body and the last thing I want is to go to the new doctor and have her tell me something about not having Lupus. I want my lab work to come back as wacked out as the first two times.
So I won’t finish this entry in a dark place…. The amazing experiences of this month are….
1. Ashley is officially a high schooler!!!
2. Ryan is down for 2 weeks and is spending time with me =)
3. I seem to be making a great career foundation for myself and am enjoying every minute of it
4. My family is healthy and still with me.
5. I got to spend an uninterrupted day with my Jelly
6. I got to see friends and family in Florida again
AND the best one is that…
7. I am alive, “healthy”, and not in the hospital!!!!
P.s. If you have read this… Thank you. I warned you that it wouldn’t always be a happy road and “typing” about it really gave me room in my head to breath.