Getting to know the new me…

Sometimes it’s the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination.

I have searched for the eject button on the recent path of my journey, to no avail. In the years since my diagnosis I have done what I always do, plow through, head held high, never looking back. As of late that methodology has not been as comforting. Life’s lemons are still sitting on my porch waiting to be made into it’s potent beverage. I have stared at them not quite understanding what to do with them, as my normal kick ass, straight forward approach has had me coming up drained and in the same place. Stagnant and drained are pretty substantial words to describe my current state of being. I have pondered and scoured for an answer to the “why” and it wasn’t until several days ago that I found the answer.

Let me be clear, my friendship with my chronic illnesses is nothing new. We are several years in and I thought that I had gotten a nice hold on them. What I wasn’t ready to admit to myself or the world around me was that, I no longer knew who I saw in the mirror. She looked familiar, she sounded familiar, but all in all not the same person. Really, it should have come as no surprise to me but it surly was. As I was in my beautiful world of deep cleaning and ridiculously loud music this week, the answer to the why was so very clear.

I no longer knew myself.

For someone that knew who she was and where she was going in life at a ridiculously young age this was a catastrophic blow. It all made sense though. The feeling of being lost and alone even when I was surrounded by the people that loved me most. The feeling of unease and uncertainty when I had the best support system someone could ask for. It all made perfect sense. When all you know is this semblance of a person that handles life with a vigorous fire that can never be snuffed, then you find yourself confused and depleted from life’s lemonade, you can’t help but feel shaken down. Right now, in my life I am getting a shake down. One day I woke up and I was in another body that had unimaginable pains, unclear thoughts from what could only be described as a foggy state, and a back bone that no longer stood straight. Who was this person? How did this happen?

Getting diagnosed wasn’t the hard part, reacquainting myself… well, with myself has been the most excruciating experience. Trying to do this while living life on life’s terms, well now your asking for too much. Having to work, be a wife, a daughter, and fuck it a productive member of society… All the while trying to understand what happened to you… Now that’s a damn epic mission. Nevertheless, I realized it and all of the missing pieces came together. I hadn’t realized that it was going to be a grieving process or even a process period. The vibrant woman was now a slower moving version of who she used to be. A more jaded and fatigued version of who she used to be. The woman that looks back at me in the mirror is tired, depleted, and honestly a little angry… Not the old me that was the fire spitting free spirit with endless energy. Can I place all of the blame on chronic illnesses? Well sure I can but that’s not who I am. I take responsibility for my actions and my part in the situation. I could have done more about my illnesses. I could have done some more soul searching. In the end, I won’t look back at what I could have done, to me thats a waste of perfectly good brain cells that I should preserve for days that the brain fog sets in.

So where do I go from here I asked myself. Well to the beach of course! So I find myself at the beach, searching for answers to questions I thought I already had the answers to. I am searching for answers and way to steer this new way of life for me. To figure out how to still be that firecracker powerhouse that is determined to teach the world all the while possessing a body that does not match the soul.

What I have come to realize in all of this is, this is normal guys. I am no different than anyone going through any struggle. It is real, it is normal, and it is going to be O.K. Now I just need to find sticky notes to help with the brain fog and some great heels!

Until Next Time.



Undefeated Diva!

You call me a monster… I call it PASSION

A taste for truth at any cost is a passion which spares nothing.
Albert Camus

See, Albert Camus got it! There is always that nickname growing up that you JUST don’t connect with. My nickname was “monster” or “my little monster” as my mom calls me, although I am taller than her now. Anyone who knows my family knows we love each other to death and would beg, borrow, or kill for each other. Nevertheless the nickname was bestowed upon me at a young age. Unfortunately, some have picked up the nickname and used it in a derogatory manner, which was never my mothers intent.

My mother initially bestowed the nickname on me as a child because even as a curly blonde haired, blue eyed child I was brutally honest. Although I respected my elders, I only did so to the ones that deserved respect. Even then I was very secure in myself, 7 year old me would tell the truth no matter the cost… AND trust me there were costs! As the years went on, my honesty grew to pure blunt honesty. I would and still till this day, say the things people are too worried or too shy to say. I realize now, that I have most likely embarrassed my mom more times than I can count.

The nickname, although steamed from my honesty it also steamed from my gumption to protect and “fight back”. I am not talking literally fighting, although if needed to protect my family I am not opposed to taking someone out! I am talking about the fire that keeps me alive till this day. I have had my share of verbal lashings, but boy have I dished out many more verbal smack downs. Sometimes I look at the world and wonder, WHY… Why do people take the shit they are handed?!?! Heres an example, I went to establish with a new specialist recently and let me tell you, someone needed to let her know that customer service is on the rise again! So I let her go about her specialty but not with some kick back… I was very dry and very matter a fact. Towards the end I realized this Dr. needs to be told. So I let her know… I let her know that the way in which she conducted her evaluation lacked compassion and although she was a physician she lacked good bedside manner. I then proceeded to walk out of my appt.

See ladies and gents, I was given the nickname because I stood up for myself and spoke the truth. Ok, at times a bit harsh BUT never the less honest and sure of my actions. I was not put on this earth to cater to other’s insecurities and emotions, I was put here to be me. Again, although the nickname was given to me as an endearing and honest one, it has been used by others as a way to hurt me. So I have decided to throw a spin to it!

I am called a “monster” by other people outside of my mom because they can’t handle my honesty. This my friends is not my problem. In a world that gives participation awards for just trying, it’s about time someone sheds some fresh air on things. Honestly, call me any nickname under the sun because to me it just means I am PASSIONATE! Those that have met me know, when I speak I speak with conviction in my words and in my mannerisms. I am sure about what I am saying and how I am saying it. I don’t do anything I am not passionate about. I don’t see a point in living life without passion in everything you do!

SO, call me a monster… Call me a bitch… I call it PASSIONATE!

Mom thank you for the inspiration today! Thank you for seeing in me what others did not see. I know that you love me for the little but taller monster that I am. Above all, THANK YOU… for always having my back even when I get a little carried away! 😛

Love you Mom!


Always Passionate Undefeated Diva “AKA Little Monster”