Yesterday was my due date…

“When you survive loss… everyone is quick to tell you how strong you are, and how tough you must be. But actually, no one has a choice to survive grief do they… it’s not optional. You just have to cry in the shower, sob in your pillow, and pray you will make it” – Zoe Clark-Coates

“Everything happens for a reason”… In the 6 plus months that I gained an angel, I’ve navigated a life waiting for the reason to come along. What I have learned is that all too often people do not speak of it. All too often people navigate through life feeling lost and alone. I swore when it happened, that one day I would speak about it. I initially started this blog so no-one would feel alone. So people out there struggling would know there is someone out there going through something, even if it is not exactly what you are going through. So today I write (although not my usual topic chain) to let you know, you are not alone.

On June 1, 2017 we gained an angel. I was 10 weeks and had finally settled into the shock I would be a mother of two. I had always longed to be a mother and although I did not believe my life was ready for another just yet, I was in love. Unfortunately, life had another plan. How it all happened was heartbreaking but I could not have asked for better people to have cared for me. The ER doctor that held my hand, the nurses, my OB that hugged me and knew just what to say, the Surgical staff, and my family… all were superb and made an agonizing situation slightly bearable. Even in the fog, I knew I had been blessed.

Yet no-one warns you. No-one warns you of the little things that strip your already bared soul of the remaining life in it. No-one tells you how you will have to repeat the words to every check in person, nurse, and Dr that comes in to see you. No-one warns you how sitting in the waiting room for an appointment for confirmation, watching the beauty of pregnancy will eat at your soul in ways you could never explain. No-one warns you that the colors around you will dissipate and cease to exist for a point in time. No-one warns you that EVERYONE will have an opinion and a timeline for you to get on with life. No-one warns you of the feeling of failure, anger, and despair you feel . How angry with the world around you, you become. How little things that should not bother you become far bigger then they should be. No-one preps you for the day your due date arrives and the emptiness you feel. No-one tells you how the feeling that you forgot something will never leave you. Finally, no-one tells you how to find closure.

We never held our baby… We never got to say goodbye. It was different this time. Maybe it was for the best because no parent should have to say goodbye. So here I am… the day after my due date still trying to navigate life. My son has slowly helped me find color. The days have become more bearable and I have laughed again, but I carry you with me. I carry you in a unique place that I prepared, for the child that never came.

XOXO,

Undefeated Me

If you are out there struggling, please know you are not alone. As hard as it is when you are ready reach out, talk about it. You are NOT alone.

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Beauty in truth…

There is beauty in truth, even if it’s painful. Those who lie, twist life so that it looks tasty to the lazy, brilliant to the ignorant, and powerful to the weak. But lies ponly strengthen our defects. They don’t teach anything, help anything, fix anything or cure anything. Nor do they develop one’s character, one’s mind, one’s heart or one’s soul.

José N. Harris


This could not be more true, today and everyday. This is a lesson I learn time and time again but as of late I have been drowning in the theory. The opening sentence in this spoke to me in a way that moves the soul, “There is beauty in truth, even if it’s painful.” I could not ask for a more beautiful life but it has come with some painful truths. The new journey I am on has brought with it some of thee happiest and most bittersweet moments in my life to date. To be honest with myself, the last several years has been derived of a series of decisions made both easy and some of the most difficult and gut wrenching. There is nothing more difficult then making a decision that not only effects you but that of your child. Decisions that are not small in magnitude, but life altering and will change the course of his life forever. In the end, I had no choice but to face the truth. To face that it would be painful and ever sobering. My decisions were not for the faint of heart. I stand a little stronger today and in those moments when I feel weakest I look at thee most beautiful little face and find my strength. 

So here is to the truth and to the painful beauty that often follows those truths.

Love, Laughter, and Happiness

XOXO,

Undefeated Diva