Tag Archives for Undefeated Diva

Moments that are worth it…

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.
Aristotle Onassis

Sitting in my car at the stop light, I laugh… and not a funny HAHA laugh… An all out, belly holding laugh.

Soaking wet… freezing… but laughing.

When your someone who has a chronic illness you live with the realism that every choice you make may have a repercussion of epic proportions. So often times you become cautious of everything you do. It’s a natural response to the possibility of the atomic bomb going off in your body. It is human nature to protect yourself against the real pain. It’s so easy to become the over cautious person that never does anything that pushes beyond the limits they have set for themselves.

I pride myself on not being that person, although that normally ends me up on the wrong side of things. I can’t tell you how many times I have pushed myself too far, but to me it’s my way of living and fighting back. So let me go back…

Sitting in my car laughing… Soaked… and freezing…

My elation and sparkle at that moment is from the very moment I decided to live in just 5 minutes prior. Standing in a parking lot and it started to pour… I mean.. POUR…. At that moment I had a decision to make… Run and get in my car, knowing damn well I would still be some form of wet ANYWAY OR dance! So…

I DANCED!

2 weeks out of the hospital and at this point I was most likely going to get sick anyway. I was going to get wet either way, the questions was… was I going to make the being sick WORTH IT! So I did!

I looked up and let the rain hit my face and I did what any blue blooded, American girl SHOULD do… I jumped up and down and laughed at the thought that I was going to reap the repercussions later BUT for now… I was going to make THIS damn moment WORTH the pain!

I jumped up and down and danced in the parking lot… I laughed at my none sense and REVELED… I mean TRULY reveled in the moment. I smiled at an on looker and when he said… Your going to get sick out here… I laughed and told him it was worth it! Honestly, because to me that very moment WAS worth it. For those few moments… those very few moments I was FREE! I was free of the ties of responsibilities and pain. I was free of anger and frustration. I was free of my own limitations and that of my body. I WAS FREE! I knew in my heart that it would hurt later, but in that moment I made it worth the pain!

See ladies and gentlemen, NO MATTER what we do as the beholder of a chronic illness we know those bad days are coming… Sometimes we know when, sometimes we don’t. So when a beautiful moment like that happens we have a choice. Do we take it or not? Many would not have taken it, many would have run to their cars and been upset that they ended up wet even given their precautions. ME… I reveled in it! I chose to LIVE that very moment. I chose to throw caution to the wind and say FUCK YOU precautions and pain… BECAUSE this moment right here… RIGHT NOW… Will be worth it to me, BECAUSE I SAY SO!

So… I made it happen. When I got into my car, I was soaked… and in need of a seriously warm shower and dry cloths. As I drove home I caught a red light. I believed it to be Devine Intervention, because at that moment the rain stopped and the sun broke threw just a small portion of the clouds. I couldn’t help the rumble of laughter that ripped through my belly. I laughed such a laugh that was filled with love and appreciation at that very moment. My life is so amazing and it is moments like this that make it so.

So to my fellow readers out there… I have homework for you!

I DARE YOU … to find a moment in the next couple of days, a moment that you have a choice to make it amazing or take the usual route… AND I want you to make it worth it! Make the moment worth it all… For go your responsibilities and that little voice inside that tells you to do the “mature” thing and take the moment and make it yours.

Then if you want to share that moment, I would LOVE to hear it! Can always email me at
undefeateddiva@gmail.com or leave a comment!

So … on ward to your moments everyone!!!

With Love and a Cough,

Undefeated Diva!

Frustrated expectations….

Expectation is the mother of all frustration.
Antonio Banderas

There is nothing like getting let down by your own. What people would see as negativity, is really just realism but as they say ignorance is bliss. There is nothing like waking up and having to calculate your every move, for fear of the harsh repercussions. Repercussions the every day man couldn’t fathom.

The hardest part of the whole process… is that the biggest let down comes from you, yourself.

It’s not done intentionally, HELL you don’t even have control over it but the harsh realization is your own body betrays you daily, hourly, or momentarily. The harsh realization that even if you wanted to wish with all of your mite, you can only plan ahead so far because you can’t plan for your own to let you down.

I have missed many of celebrations, gatherings, and important moments. I pride myself on making the moments that matter most, but if I am real with myself I know I have let someone down along the way… Mainly myself. Not only does my body betray me but my body reeks havoc on even my iron clad emotions. I have built an armor of “hey it’s ok” or “don’t stress you have next time” mantras, but honestly there is nothing like being let down by your own.

Today for instance, I was supposed to get up and do things that have been needed for sometimes… (My poor car needed to get to the shop since December!) This morning I was debilitated. I mean, when I stood up my knees buckled out from under me. No big deal right? My legs must have just been asleep… WRONG, the pain that accompanied my legs buckling were like shards of glass. Buckled over the sink to do something as simple as brushing my teeth, if it weren’t for the sink I would have been sitting on the floor of the bathroom brushing…

See… most would say “you have no control” as an excuse to make the situation more tolerable. WELL, let me give you some insight. NOTHING and I mean NOTHING can protect you from yourself. Nothing was going to make it better this morning when I looked up in the mirror and was literally dangling from the bathroom sink because my legs betrayed my body and buckled.

So I ask, how do I protect myself from myself when I have no control over it? How do I protect myself from growing so much emotional scar tissue that it impedes on my compassion for life? How do I lesson the blow when all I wanted to do was get up and brush my teeth?

The simple answer is… I DON’T.

It’s harsh, and it hurts, and it breaks down my soul at the thought but I can’t plan against Lupus. I can’t plan against the destruction of my own body against itself. So I roll with it. I smile, I make light, and I pack a go bag! I revel in the moments that I do get and pray hard when in the moments that hurt most… But the question still remains. How do I protect myself from growing so much emotional scar tissue that it impedes on my compassion for life? How do I not allow the constant let downs take such a toll on my psyche?

How does one get over being let down by your own? You may ask what I mean when I reference “your own”? It’s different for everyone, but my very “own” is my body, my legs, my lungs when they do not function, my heart when it renders me to a hospital bed, my muscles that jump just because, my emotions when they run away from me because of the anger and hurt. My very OWN BODY… The one thing that I should have control over, and should learn to trust and depend on… I can’t! No matter how much I try, and TRUST ME I TRY… Vitamins, holistic remedies, namaste at the beach… Prayers, western medicines… It still betrays me!

So now what!?

Now, I do what I have learned to do best. Push RESET… and for the first time in months, I am going to TRY and nap! I am going to try and put a small piece of my dignity back in my emotions and nap for as long as my body will grant me.

Thank you for listening today… Today I just needed to be heard. I needed an ear and a tissue…

Thank you support system…
Thank you for having my back even when my own body won’t!

XOXO,
Undefeated Diva!

Loss- Pulled from the archives

Loss
Written Jun 17, 2011 5:57pm

Again, I have not written. Again, I have stared at a blank page and written amazing words and discarded them on multiple occasions. It’s been a month since my last entry and I shake my head because I have many unfinished entries in my head and in the recycling bin of my computer.

LOSS:  

–noun

1. Detriment, disadvantage, or deprivation from failure to keep, have, or get: to bear the loss of a robbery.

2. Something that is lost: The painting was the greatest loss from the robbery.

3. An amount or number lost: The loss of life increased each day.

How many of you out there have experienced loss? I know a number of you that are shaking their heads or saying yes. When one thinks of the definition of loss they mainly think of losing a loved one, or a possession, and for you crazies out there you may even possibly think about something like losing your virginity.

To me loss is not just about a possession or something that you can scientifically explain. To me loss is encompassed in loss of attitude or stature, loss of emotion or understanding, as well as loss of sensitivity. When considering loss, possessions or valued items are only small items on the long list of what I believe one is capable of losing.

Most of you who know me know the bright and shining Chris, but I have to admit that the dark and shadow filled places in my head have grown a little bigger lately. My glasses seem to have a slight film of gray over them. Many will have advice to give to what I just said and some may just say think that I am being negative, but let not fake shield you from reality. The world is amazing and many of times a beautiful place but was the world meant to be enjoyed “this” way?

A world filled with pain, loss, judgment, abuse, neglect, struggle, hunger, war, hatred, and anger all surrounded by pretty flowers and the hope for a better life. Way to go on the negativity Chris right!? Well to me, it’s facing reality! So suck it up ladies and gents because this is real.

I won’t apologize for the truth because I do not believe that the world was meant to be this way. I know a 50 year old man that died just under 3 months after he found out his “back” pain was full blown kidney cancer. I also slept just a floor above a neglected special needs woman that passed away “alone” because she was the ward of a home that was run by a nun that showed no compassion. Add to this combination a little sprinkle of white lies, omitted information, and Lupus and you can see why the small dark corners of my mind have been a thinking place for me the past month.

To update on my “Lupus Lite”, I have canceled all appointments with my previous doctor and have made an appointment for a second opinion. I have gotten off of most of my medications for the Lupus Lite so that my system is clean when I go to the new DR. The reason for this is because the medication they had me on suppressed the swelling in my body and the last thing I want is to go to the new doctor and have her tell me something about not having Lupus. I want my lab work to come back as wacked out as the first two times.

So I won’t finish this entry in a dark place…. The amazing experiences of this month are….

1. Ashley is officially a high schooler!!!

2. Ryan is down for 2 weeks and is spending time with me =)

3. I seem to be making a great career foundation for myself and am enjoying every minute of it

4. My family is healthy and still with me.

5. I got to spend an uninterrupted day with my Jelly

6. I got to see friends and family in Florida again

AND the best one is that…

7. I am alive, “healthy”, and not in the hospital!!!!

P.s. If you have read this… Thank you. I warned you that it wouldn’t always be a happy road and “typing” about it really gave me room in my head to breath.

Love always,

Undefeated Diva!!!

You call me a monster… I call it PASSION

A taste for truth at any cost is a passion which spares nothing.
Albert Camus

See, Albert Camus got it! There is always that nickname growing up that you JUST don’t connect with. My nickname was “monster” or “my little monster” as my mom calls me, although I am taller than her now. Anyone who knows my family knows we love each other to death and would beg, borrow, or kill for each other. Nevertheless the nickname was bestowed upon me at a young age. Unfortunately, some have picked up the nickname and used it in a derogatory manner, which was never my mothers intent.

My mother initially bestowed the nickname on me as a child because even as a curly blonde haired, blue eyed child I was brutally honest. Although I respected my elders, I only did so to the ones that deserved respect. Even then I was very secure in myself, 7 year old me would tell the truth no matter the cost… AND trust me there were costs! As the years went on, my honesty grew to pure blunt honesty. I would and still till this day, say the things people are too worried or too shy to say. I realize now, that I have most likely embarrassed my mom more times than I can count.

The nickname, although steamed from my honesty it also steamed from my gumption to protect and “fight back”. I am not talking literally fighting, although if needed to protect my family I am not opposed to taking someone out! I am talking about the fire that keeps me alive till this day. I have had my share of verbal lashings, but boy have I dished out many more verbal smack downs. Sometimes I look at the world and wonder, WHY… Why do people take the shit they are handed?!?! Heres an example, I went to establish with a new specialist recently and let me tell you, someone needed to let her know that customer service is on the rise again! So I let her go about her specialty but not with some kick back… I was very dry and very matter a fact. Towards the end I realized this Dr. needs to be told. So I let her know… I let her know that the way in which she conducted her evaluation lacked compassion and although she was a physician she lacked good bedside manner. I then proceeded to walk out of my appt.

See ladies and gents, I was given the nickname because I stood up for myself and spoke the truth. Ok, at times a bit harsh BUT never the less honest and sure of my actions. I was not put on this earth to cater to other’s insecurities and emotions, I was put here to be me. Again, although the nickname was given to me as an endearing and honest one, it has been used by others as a way to hurt me. So I have decided to throw a spin to it!

I am called a “monster” by other people outside of my mom because they can’t handle my honesty. This my friends is not my problem. In a world that gives participation awards for just trying, it’s about time someone sheds some fresh air on things. Honestly, call me any nickname under the sun because to me it just means I am PASSIONATE! Those that have met me know, when I speak I speak with conviction in my words and in my mannerisms. I am sure about what I am saying and how I am saying it. I don’t do anything I am not passionate about. I don’t see a point in living life without passion in everything you do!

SO, call me a monster… Call me a bitch… I call it PASSIONATE!

Mom thank you for the inspiration today! Thank you for seeing in me what others did not see. I know that you love me for the little but taller monster that I am. Above all, THANK YOU… for always having my back even when I get a little carried away! 😛

Love you Mom!

Toodles,

Always Passionate Undefeated Diva “AKA Little Monster”

Walk and have my back!

Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.
Helen Keller

Hello fellow WordPress Friends and Family!

At 28 I have been through a journey most would never see when looking at my face. I have seen the dark side of an illness that does not discriminate. I fight back privately daily, but I have decided to fight back in public now! Join me in walking for MY cause…. Join me in walking to find a cure for Lupus.

You can donate or join my team… or cheer from the sidelines… Your support in any way possible is appreciated! Thank you for supporting me in my personal journey and the Lupus Foundation of America – Southeast Florida Chapter. Your contribution is greatly appreciated.

https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1084765&supId=394273168

With Love and Kisses,

The Original Undefeated Diva!

The moment of realization…

The good thing about having this illness is that it allows me to be a little bit crazy.
Neil Cavuto

Humor or tears are often the only ways to pull myself out of my “realization” state. Being who I am, I go through life pushing through like a soldier. I never leave a man behind and unless it’s broke I don’t fix it. It’s rare I TRULY complain about something and I never let my illness consume the forefront of my mind. Although I live in the light and positive.. there are those moments of realization.

Monday afterwork I had the moment I refer to above. I was standing in my bathroom ready to inject my medication with a 3CC syringe. Now, I was in the medical field for many years and have injected myself so many times before, that quite frankly it is second nature. Monday night was just different. I looked down at the tip of the needle and say… Fuck! OBVIOUSLY I realize I have Lupus but for that moment… it hit me. The years and life moments leading up to Monday did a little show in my head. (No ladies and gents, life was not flashing before my eyes) I was just taking it all in. How did I get to this point in my life? How amazing is it that I get to take control of my health by this injection? The thoughts about how far I have come, yet how far I still have left to go. With all of these thoughts flooding my mind, a bit of sadness seeped in. If I said that I was always smiles and rainbows, someone better asking me what I am smoking.

After a moment I took a deep breath and imbedded the needle in a nice little roll in my belly! The medicine only stings for a moment and then I am on my way, with a little bruise to remind me of my weekly events. (Bruising is part of the game, my nickname should really be Peach!). Nevertheless I went about my evening like I always do, pushing any lingering emotions to the side and going about my evening. This day though, it took some effort to do what I normally do with ease. I wasn’t able to push aside my emotions so easily.

In that one moment I experienced anxiety, sadness, helplessness, frustration, humility, and ANGER! I felt like I went through the grieving cycle in one foul swoop! The very moment of realization I had took me to a place I rarely go in my head. A very real and vulnerable place that I constitute as negative at times, but it happens. It was a moment that I realized although I kick ass and I am a fighter that this illness is a mean mama JAMA! I realized that this illness has changed my life forever and there was nothing I could do about the changed good or bad… ABOVE all I resolved to realize that I don’t care what it takes… LUPUS will not get me! I will fight like so many before me and for those after me! I will fight for the one’s that feel like they can’t fight any more. I will fight till my very last breath and when my day comes to leave this earth and meet my maker… I will leave this earth knowing I fought Lupus and won! I will know that I died a woman that didn’t let that son of a bitch get me…. Because I will have lived a life of pure happiness regardless of how many injections and hospital visits I have under my belt!!!

XOXO, The sometimes angry but ALWAYS sassy,
Original Undefeated DIVA!

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This is me… Perfectly, Imperfect

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
Marilyn Monroe 

Anyone who TRULY knows me, knows I self inventory… AT LEAST once daily. I’ve always done it, but when I became a Director I felt the need to make it a top priority to do it daily if not multiple times a day. I do this for many reasons, but mainly to keep myself grounded. It’s easy in a world filled with “get it now” mentalities and “hurry the hell up” attitudes to get caught up in oneself. 

To say that my inventory findings are all rainbows and unicorns, would make even my acquaintances laugh. It would also mean that I am in need of some serious medical intervention. Nevertheless, I see the dirt and the imperfections. This weekend has been filled with thanks, self inventory, and self forgiveness. I wrapped the therapy of a lifetime into one weekend, put a new hair color on it, and called it success. 

Although I felt that I came out on top of some things I held in since I was a child, I am human and had my moments of sadness and despair. These moments were fleeting, as many of my debbie downer moments are. One of the moments though, fit my muse marker. I swore when I started blogging that I would be as honest, open, and as RAW as possible. So here goes nothing. 

My muse moment fed into my greatest fear: I fear I will die alone, without a family of my own by my side to leave a legacy to carry on. 

Now some may never understand the need for family. I have also have come to grips that some will NEVER understand the gravity of knowing what facing death young feels like (I don’t wish the knowledge on anyone). Regardless, my fears are my own. As I sat reading several blogs, articles, and researching some options it hit me. “FUCK… I have Lupus”. Being the fighter I am, I rarely stop to really think it through. I just keep kicking it’s ass daily, and move on. Today is just one of those days, I have been in bed most of the afternoon with no plan of getting out. I feel like I have taken Benadryl and my mind is foggy… So vegetate is the name of the game, and folding cloths is my homie. 

So my moment of “Fuck… I have Lupus” was in fact not inwardly directed. The thoughts that followed the statement were flashes of thoughts of the people I love and how this effects them. Like I said earlier, I self inventory regularly not because I want to but because it keeps me grounded. This is the type of moment of grounding I am talking about. It’s easy to get caught up in the pain, anguish, fogginess, and all around world wind that a chronic illness entails.

I took a moment to consider the pain that it causes them or the helplessness that ensues when they are unable to do anything about it. I considered the ramifications of loving me, the constant hospital visits, the constant plan cancellations, and the never ending scheduling conflicts because my full time job of doctors appointments gets in the way. I sulked and held my breath for a moment. My body even betrayed me and allowed my eyes to well up with tears… THEN “”BO-YA” my future self came back in time and slapped me. 

So… Yes I have Lupus, it sucks…. I cancel plans on them, I can be moody, I sometimes have to ask them to repeat themselves because of the “fog” brain, I drop the AC wherever I am because I am always hot from the meds, I may more times than not have a “Snickers commercial” moment when I haven’t eaten, I may exercise and then stop, I may complain sometimes (rare… but it happens), and I may be stubborn beyond belief… BUT THIS IS ME! 

People see me from the outside and think, she is 28 and looks fine. My own family does it!!!! I often realize they forget that Lupus is an around the clock deal. Unfortunately at times it wears on even the strong at heart and my family begrudges me if I don’t rush to clean. This is part of the deal. I always make up for the cancellations and the early to bed missed texts. I make up for the moodiness and the fog brain.  In the end this is ME… Foggy brained, overachiever, stubborn as a mule, FIGHTER, ME… Perfectly, imperfect. 

 

XOXO, 

Perfectly, Imperfect…

 

Undefeated DIVA

Legacy

 

An entry from March 17, 2013…. but something that has plaques recent thoughts. 

 

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” 

– Mark Twain

 
To say life has been a roller coaster would be the understatement of the century. Lately I have been in deep thought about the end. Stop thinking about it in a morbid context… Quite frankly stop thinking period! 
 
I believe that “we” do too much thinking about things. Morals, values, what should and shouldn’t be, and WHY! In the end all of the hours spent dwelling on the shoulda, coulda, woulda, and whys would have all been for nothing. All that is left are materials you can not take with you and the legacy you leave behind. The legacy you leave behind is constructed of what you make of it or don’t make of the life you’ve been handed. Often times we can not control the situations that life throws at us, but you can in fact control how you handle them. 
 
In the end what will be your legacy? I am currently strategically constructing my answer to this very question. What I do know is that I have decided instead of talking about change I will live the change I want and that starts with me. So throwing caution to the wind I am on the path to creating my legacy… It will be beautiful, bright, and BOOMBASTIC!
 
“I vow on this dreary day that when I say my final farewell to this world I will NOT say it with disappointment in my eyes… I will say my farewell in the way only I would… With a surprise around every corner:)” (Suck it Mark Twain!)
 
Xoxo
Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease,
 
Undefeated Diva