Getting to know the new me…

Sometimes it’s the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination.

I have searched for the eject button on the recent path of my journey, to no avail. In the years since my diagnosis I have done what I always do, plow through, head held high, never looking back. As of late that methodology has not been as comforting. Life’s lemons are still sitting on my porch waiting to be made into it’s potent beverage. I have stared at them not quite understanding what to do with them, as my normal kick ass, straight forward approach has had me coming up drained and in the same place. Stagnant and drained are pretty substantial words to describe my current state of being. I have pondered and scoured for an answer to the “why” and it wasn’t until several days ago that I found the answer.

Let me be clear, my friendship with my chronic illnesses is nothing new. We are several years in and I thought that I had gotten a nice hold on them. What I wasn’t ready to admit to myself or the world around me was that, I no longer knew who I saw in the mirror. She looked familiar, she sounded familiar, but all in all not the same person. Really, it should have come as no surprise to me but it surly was. As I was in my beautiful world of deep cleaning and ridiculously loud music this week, the answer to the why was so very clear.

I no longer knew myself.

For someone that knew who she was and where she was going in life at a ridiculously young age this was a catastrophic blow. It all made sense though. The feeling of being lost and alone even when I was surrounded by the people that loved me most. The feeling of unease and uncertainty when I had the best support system someone could ask for. It all made perfect sense. When all you know is this semblance of a person that handles life with a vigorous fire that can never be snuffed, then you find yourself confused and depleted from life’s lemonade, you can’t help but feel shaken down. Right now, in my life I am getting a shake down.¬†One day I woke up and I was in another body that had unimaginable pains, unclear thoughts from what could only be described as a foggy state, and a back bone that no longer stood straight. Who was this person? How did this happen?

Getting diagnosed wasn’t the hard part, reacquainting myself… well, with myself has been the most excruciating experience. Trying to do this while living life on life’s terms, well now your asking for too much. Having to work, be a wife, a daughter, and fuck it a productive member of society… All the while trying to understand what happened to you… Now that’s a damn epic mission. Nevertheless, I realized it and all of the missing pieces came together. I hadn’t realized that it was going to be a grieving process or even a process period. The vibrant woman was now a slower moving version of who she used to be. A more jaded and fatigued version of who she used to be. The woman that looks back at me in the mirror is tired, depleted, and honestly a little angry… Not the old me that was the fire spitting free spirit with endless energy. Can I place all of the blame on chronic illnesses? Well sure I can but that’s not who I am. I take responsibility for my actions and my part in the situation. I could have done more about my illnesses. I could have done some more soul searching. In the end, I won’t look back at what I could have done, to me thats a waste of perfectly good brain cells that I should preserve for days that the brain fog sets in.

So where do I go from here I asked myself. Well to the beach of course! So I find myself at the beach, searching for answers to questions I thought I already had the answers to. I am searching for answers and way to steer this new way of life for me. To figure out how to still be that firecracker powerhouse that is determined to teach the world all the while possessing a body that does not match the soul.

What I have come to realize in all of this is, this is normal guys. I am no different than anyone going through any struggle. It is real, it is normal, and it is going to be O.K. Now I just need to find sticky notes to help with the brain fog and some great heels!

Until Next Time.

 

XOXO,

Undefeated Diva!

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Moments that are worth it…

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.
Aristotle Onassis

Sitting in my car at the stop light, I laugh… and not a funny HAHA laugh… An all out, belly holding laugh.

Soaking wet… freezing… but laughing.

When your someone who has a chronic illness you live with the realism that every choice you make may have a repercussion of epic proportions. So often times you become cautious of everything you do. It’s a natural response to the possibility of the atomic bomb going off in your body. It is human nature to protect yourself against the real pain. It’s so easy to become the over cautious person that never does anything that pushes beyond the limits they have set for themselves.

I pride myself on not being that person, although that normally ends me up on the wrong side of things. I can’t tell you how many times I have pushed myself too far, but to me it’s my way of living and fighting back. So let me go back…

Sitting in my car laughing… Soaked… and freezing…

My elation and sparkle at that moment is from the very moment I decided to live in just 5 minutes prior. Standing in a parking lot and it started to pour… I mean.. POUR…. At that moment I had a decision to make… Run and get in my car, knowing damn well I would still be some form of wet ANYWAY OR dance! So…

I DANCED!

2 weeks out of the hospital and at this point I was most likely going to get sick anyway. I was going to get wet either way, the questions was… was I going to make the being sick WORTH IT! So I did!

I looked up and let the rain hit my face and I did what any blue blooded, American girl SHOULD do… I jumped up and down and laughed at the thought that I was going to reap the repercussions later BUT for now… I was going to make THIS damn moment WORTH the pain!

I jumped up and down and danced in the parking lot… I laughed at my none sense and REVELED… I mean TRULY reveled in the moment. I smiled at an on looker and when he said… Your going to get sick out here… I laughed and told him it was worth it! Honestly, because to me that very moment WAS worth it. For those few moments… those very few moments I was FREE! I was free of the ties of responsibilities and pain. I was free of anger and frustration. I was free of my own limitations and that of my body. I WAS FREE! I knew in my heart that it would hurt later, but in that moment I made it worth the pain!

See ladies and gentlemen, NO MATTER what we do as the beholder of a chronic illness we know those bad days are coming… Sometimes we know when, sometimes we don’t. So when a beautiful moment like that happens we have a choice. Do we take it or not? Many would not have taken it, many would have run to their cars and been upset that they ended up wet even given their precautions. ME… I reveled in it! I chose to LIVE that very moment. I chose to throw caution to the wind and say FUCK YOU precautions and pain… BECAUSE this moment right here… RIGHT NOW… Will be worth it to me, BECAUSE I SAY SO!

So… I made it happen. When I got into my car, I was soaked… and in need of a seriously warm shower and dry cloths. As I drove home I caught a red light. I believed it to be Devine Intervention, because at that moment the rain stopped and the sun broke threw just a small portion of the clouds. I couldn’t help the rumble of laughter that ripped through my belly. I laughed such a laugh that was filled with love and appreciation at that very moment. My life is so amazing and it is moments like this that make it so.

So to my fellow readers out there… I have homework for you!

I DARE YOU … to find a moment in the next couple of days, a moment that you have a choice to make it amazing or take the usual route… AND I want you to make it worth it! Make the moment worth it all… For go your responsibilities and that little voice inside that tells you to do the “mature” thing and take the moment and make it yours.

Then if you want to share that moment, I would LOVE to hear it! Can always email me at
undefeateddiva@gmail.com or leave a comment!

So … on ward to your moments everyone!!!

With Love and a Cough,

Undefeated Diva!